It's getting real

Not everyone knows this, but the very same month we decided to start trying to have a baby, we also signed up with the adoption agency. I remember sitting on my parents couch, before we were married and talking about children and what we each wanted. And it was clear that both of us wanted to adopt. It was there before we got married. And three years after getting married, we signed up with the agency, since it can take years to adopt and thought we would take whatever the Lord brought to us first, either by birth or by adoption. A little over a year later we were told not to ever expect biological children. Seemed the choice was made for us. And LOOONNNNNGGGG story short we have two of the best kids ever created, through adoption. There is so much preparation that goes into adopting. And planning on what to tell the children and when and what is best for them, and how can we make them feel okay about being adopted etc etc.
It has not been so bad while the kids are little. But now things are changing and getting more real. And I am finding myself struggling with some things. I still feel VERY strong about how we have chosen to share with the kids, I think honesty in an age appropriate way is the best. The best for THEM. Now on the other hand the best for ME would to just never tell them and just pretend they were born into our family!!! Tabitha just sent us Hannah's finished "Adoption Story" book. I wrote each of them a children's book style story of how they came to us, and Tabitha illustrated!!! (she did such a wonderful job!!! Thanks again!!!) So we were sitting down reading books the other day and we read Hannah's story. And the page came that talked about her birth parents. And she pointed to the picture and asked "who that mama" I told her their names and she repeated them. It was so hard to hear her say their names. I mean I really have to work on how I feel about these people. They are so not my favorite people!! But I have to remember what is best for her, and I want things to be normal for her and starting out this young will help that. There will not be a day when she all the sudden finds out about her birth parents. But as the mommy, it was hard to see her interest in them. I know all the logical reasons that it is okay and, that she knows I am her mama, but that does not make it easier.

The other night at church in class, one of the other children asked some questions about the kids being adopted. "Is she your daughter?" "but she did not grow in your tummy", "where did they come from".... all of these are NORMAL questions for children to ask when they are curious. And I answered them like normal, but that is when I realized that my little Ben was listening and computing some of it. And I got nervous. I got scared that he might think there is something different about him, just because he is adopted. I know he will face this and so will Hannah, especially when school comes around, but it just really started feeling real. Like when the next child asks if Ben or Hannah are my real son or daughter...I am afraid they might wonder if they really aren't, or will they think something is wrong with them since they did not grow in my tummy. In class, before another question could be asked, I piped in with "you know I am adopted right?". I got some weird looks from the class and that is when I talked about the fact that when I was saved I was adopted into the family of God. The subject went into salvation from there and things went smooth.
It has just started to really hit home and feel more real, as they get older and notice more and understand more. And I am nervous about finding that right balance of information and the right way to share it, so they feel loved and okay.
Normal adoptive mother feelings, but still ones I could use some prayers for. They are growing up, and things seem to change so fast!