"and I came out of you?"

Today was a first for me. Benjamin, my 3 1/2 yr old asked me about my necklace I was wearing today. It is a gold heart, with two little hands inside. Dan got it for me, when we adopted the kids. I have always told the kids that they were Ben and Hannah's hands and that they have always been in my heart and always will be. He was holding it, as I was putting him down for nap. He said "it's my hand when I was a baby" and I said "yes, those look like baby hands, like you were born in my heart" (this came out of my mouth, before I even knew it. it is something I have heard a lot, but had not decided about whether I wanted to use it or not) He looked at me and said "and then I came out of you?" (did this with hand motions and everything) He took me by surprise. I knew it was big for me and just like any other conversation to him. I brushed it off a little and told him I loved him and to take his nap. But what surprised me was the little twinge of pain. Oh how I would have LOVED to carry that little boy, and give birth to him. It hurt not to be able to just say "yes of course".

Later in the day I was rocking them both and Hannah picked up my necklace and started talking about the "baby hands". Ben brought it up again about "coming out of mama". I swallowed and said to my two babies sitting on my lap, "you came out of another woman and then came to live with mama" . Ben said "oh", and that was it. They accepted it. And it was fine with them. And it is with me too, but the truth is that as an adoptive mom, at least for this one, there is always that little bit of hurt, that you were not the one to birth your child.

I think I am more sensitive to this right now, since one year ago yesterday I was in the doctor's office watching my little sprout's heart beating. That was the day the plans were starting in my mind. The fact that our next family pictures would have a infant in them, that Thanksgiving and Christmas were going to be added to, with the new little life I was watching on the screen. And here I am one year later, with our little one deposited in heaven and my boy asking if he "came out of me".

I pray that I say the right things to them, that they feel confident and secure with my answers and that they ALWAYS feel loved, important and special because of who they are.