NEGATIVE

Today, is a tough one. Lots of things going on in my life. A four year old, learning reading and writing, and talking NON stop about rockets and aliens. A three yr old trying to keep up with her brother with reading and writing, while at the same time trying EVERY dangerous stunt she can think of. And in the middle of adopting a precious little one yr old angel who needs constant love, attention and consistency. I know this sounds like a lot. And it is. My plate is full.

But this week, as my cycle is late, and I am having surges of hormones and signs that can either mean cycle or pregnancy, I found myself hoping and praying for one more HUGE MAJOR miracle to drop on my plate. Really is this fair? The mental torture of wondering. Of hoping. And the logical part, the part that tells me that if I have only had 1 pregnancy in the 12 years I have been married, the odds are I will not be getting pregnant again, flies out the window and my femaleness takes over. The desire to have a baby. To feel a baby inside me, to give birth, to hear the first cry...to be the ONLY mommy. There is NO stopping it. Well, ok, maybe there is a way, but I have NOT found it. You would think that after ALL these years and after ALL that the doctors have sat and told me, I would be at a place where I knew it was just not gonna happen. I was there at one point. UNTIL THE IMPOSSIBLE happened and I found myself in 2008 pregnant. Ever since then, my brain keeps going back to that and telling my heart, "it has happened before, it can happen again".

What makes it so much worse is when I am late. When I start to have "signs" that it just might be! That has been this last week for me. Finally I decided to stop the wondering and the talking back and forth with myself and take a test. I HATE TAKING THOSE STUPID TESTS!!! Simply because 99.9% of the time I have EVER taken them, they are a disappointment. I took the test, praying for this...

It amazes me how fast the female mind can go from "I wonder if..." to figuring out due dates and thinking of names and colors and car seats and little booties! Especially when it is such a dream to have a baby. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to not ride this roller coaster. And so I waited and waited only to do what I have done so MANY times before...I saw this...

YEP! "not pregnant" That's me! The one thing that can describe me for my entire life (except those awesome two months in 08) is "NOT PREGNANT". And that is ok. But on the days when you see it right in front of you, it is tough to swallow AGAIN. And the whole..."maybe I did not wait long enough", and going and checking again. It is hard for me to imagine that people all around me out there can just decide to "get pregnant" and TA-DA they are! I know that is the norm, but man it is so hard for me to fathom.

I am so happy with the three wonderful children I have! I am excited to meet my little one in heaven someday. It is awesome to see my children play and grow and call me mama. I would not trade anything! I am so grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I do not "deserve" any of them and I don't feel like it is "owed" me to be able to have a baby. But, God did give woman the desire to have babies, and I for sure still have the desire.

So for now, I will have a couple of "down days" and a week with crazy hormones and painful cycle. And I know I will get back up to being more positive. I will take the kids to the park and immerse myself in how great my kids are, and I will slowly forget about the "not pregnant" reminder I received yet again this morning.