NO SLEEP!!!!!- So how about some FLOWER PENS!

This past weekend, we moved some rooms around. It took ALL last week of me working every day to clean out and organize things so that on Saturday, Dan and I could move things all around! It was a long day, but a good one! I am glad to be done with it! And it feels good to have things organized and cleaned. On Saturday night I did not fall asleep

till about 1:30AM and then up early to get the kids ready for church on Sunday. (Dan was getting sick, so told him to sleep in) Sunday was church, and then home to watch the kids so Dan could go to bed and get some rest. Was up till about 2 am, FINALLY fell asleep and then Ben woke up to tell me that the music I had put on for them to fall asleep to, was not on anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I was awake again and did not fall asleep till 4:30am. Then it was up with the kids to start this Monday. I was just WAITING for nap/quiet time so I could catch an hour of sleep and maybe feel a bit better after resting. NOT!!!!!! The little one wont fall asleep and the big ones keep "just needing" something and the phone (that has been quiet ALL morning) has now rang a total of 6... yep SIX times in the one precious golden hour I was looking forward to!!!!! Gonna have to get some caffeine!!! So since I want to avoid the dishes in the sink for just a tad bit longer, I decided why not blog about the craft my Sunday School class of toddlers made for their mommies yesterday!!!!

I went to the $ store and bought some clear writing pens (BIC) and took the end cap out, then printed out three sayings. One pen said "I love you MOM", another said "Proverbs 31:28 and the last one said "Happy Mothers Day". (I wanted them to be in pretty pink and purple lettering, but my printer was only doing black, so had to stick with that) Since my class is ages 2-5 I rolled the paper and put them inside the pens before hand. Then I got lots of flowers for the kids to choose from. They each chose three flowers they thought their mommy would like and with a dab of hot glue (done by my husband helper!!!) the flowers were the new toppers for the pens.

With some ribbon I tied them together and each child had a nice little "bouquet" to give to mom! I thought they turned out really cute! AND the great thing is, since my children are ages 2, 4, and 5 I got NINE flower pens!!!! I put them in a pretty cup right by the phone and have already used them several times today!

The making of a Darth Vader Cake!

Ben had his 5th birthday party couple weeks ago. He is VERY VERY into Star Wars. His favorite is Darth Vader! I am not sure who had more fun, the kids at the party, or Dan and I planning it! I LOVE being able to throw parties for my kids. I was not always sure I would have children to be able to do things like this for. So now that we have three AWESOME kids, I don't take it for granted, and I enjoy every part of it! So Dan said to me, how about making a Darth Vader cake! Now I was straight up honest with him. I said that "I" could not make one, but that I was sure "he" could! My husband has got this way of being able figure out how to do anything and he always does a good job! So I thought I would show you just how he made Ben's cake.

He started with some pipe fastened to a board. He carved the mask part out of rice cereal treats and then stacked the cakes. He made red for the neck and green cake with red and blue marbled in for the veins of the brain!!! We had cooked and frozen the cakes a couple days before the party.

Here he is deep in thought! Carving the top of the head!

Adding the flare of the helmet on the sides!

Let the BLACK icing begin! (I mixed that up... yep opened the pre packaged icing and added the coloring gel... and stirred. I know SO talented!)

Popped out the lenses from dollar store sun glasses for Vader's eyes!

Dan took some little marshmallows, wrapped them in foil, stuck them on a toothpick and made the "bolts" for the mask.

The Cake was a HIT!

And the brains looked pretty awesome too!!!!

I just have to say...

MY HUSBAND IS AN AWESOME DADDY!!

I Did Not "Lose" Her

Last week, my grandmother went home to be with the Lord. I am going to miss her so much. She was my "marriage counselor". I always seemed to get practical solid advice from her on what my part was in marriage. And she made me a better wife for taking the time to teach me. She was much much more than that through out my life. She was a strong woman. And she loved the Lord.

Something that has caught my attention is people saying to me "I'm sorry you lost your grandmother." It is a normal thing to say, but it got my brain working. And it makes me want to reply back, "I did not lose her, I know just where she is". There must be such heartache for families who have a loved one die, and they truly have "LOST" them. They don't know where they are.

What great peace and joy for our family to know that as soon as my grandma was absent from her body, she was present with the Lord! The preacher at her funereal said "she is not dormant, she is still living and active" I love to think about that. To know that she has met our little sprout! To know that she has seen her mother, and that she is with Jesus!

She has "passed on" but she is anything but "lost". Praise the Lord!

You Know You Are A Foster Parent If...

You Know You Are A Foster Parent If Your Heart Is Bigger Than Your Brain!

I saw this quote and thought WOW! SO SO true! There are so many parts of being a foster parent that go against all logic! Times when you have to make your heart take over when your brain is yelling and screaming at you "NO NO!!!!"

Ever heard someone say "Who in their RIGHT mind would do that?" Well the thing is, it can't be your MIND, it has to be your heart!

When you have to take your little one to visits that you KNOW will give them nightmares and cause them to shut down and sit in a corner pulling their hair for the next 24 hours. Who would do that to their child???? How do you get your brain to let you hand over your fragile baby, to a situation you know will cause emotional harm? You do it with your heart.

It makes me think back to when my little four month old H was doing visits. The social worker who was supervising the visits, was someone I did not trust. I for sure did not trust the birth parents, as they had already shown what they were capable of with the 5 previous children. But the LAW said I had to go against my mother instincts and leave her there. I was aware of what would happen when I picked her up. The routine was that I would drop off a happy baby and pick up a "checked out" baby. She would be very quiet, still and stare off into space. We would make the drive home and I would immediately pick her up and rock her for at least an hour or more. This is what it would take to get "her back". She would have the eye contact again, the coos, the giggles and the movement. So how did I keep taking her back? It is even harder when you get the reports and it states things that went on in the visit that were "technically" not wrong but something you would NEVER do!

This is when all logic has to take a hike. And your heart has to take over. You have to look at the bigger picture and know that if you just get through it and you get your baby through it, she will get to stay and you can keep her safe and healthy. And... you... Pray!. You pray with all your heart. You pray that you can just make it through one more visit. That you can hold it together at 2 am when they have their nightmares after each visit. That you can help them calm down and stop sitting in the corner pulling their hair because of the stress. That you can once again physically hand them over, and walk away.

When B was having visits, his birthmom was appropriate. It was hard to leave him, but I was not worried about what it would do to him. He seemed to handle them just fine and his birthmom seemed to be good with him. And yet still... as a mommy of a three month old, I would never have just dropped him off like that twice a week and just drive away.

Your heart has to take over when you are starting the process of adopting! When you KNOW that you will fall in love with the children you get and you will have NO assurance you will be able to keep them. At anytime they could move them or send them back. Once you get your child, and read what they and their siblings have been through, your mind just can't make sense of how the system asks even more from these innocent children. And although you disagree, you become part of it. You are the one, taking them to the visits, and for most, the one packing their things and letting them go. I praise my Heavenly Father I have not had to do that. He has blessed us with three who came and who stayed.

If you only THINK about fostering or fost adopt, you would not do it. It is too hard and makes no sense. It is your HEART that takes you down that road.

You know you are a foster parent if your heart is bigger than your brain!

"Look at My Baby I Just Got"

While we were going through classes for adopting, I remember one lesson about how that your children may not be "talking" about being adopted, but often they are "thinking" about it. It was a lesson for the parents to be aware that even if they don't talk about it, they are thinking about it and trying to figure it out. I have the kids books I read to them, and if it comes up I talk about their adoptions and try to teach them the vocabulary they need to know. But other than that, it is not talked about A LOT.

The kids are growing and they are understanding SO much! I have tried to make sure I explain the best I can about how they were born and how God decided to create our family. B and H are both getting bigger and starting to show that they understand more and more about how they were adopted. H showed me she is "thinking" about it more than I knew.

Yesterday she walked up to me with her baby doll cradled in her arms and said to me (all excited) "look at my baby I just got! she grew in another woman's tummy, but I am her mama!"

It is neat to see when they act out the things they are learning and showing that they understand. She was so excited about her baby! I responded to her "so you adopted your baby?" to which she replied with a smile "yep" and left back to her room to play.

I am praying that these first lessons about adoption and how great we think it is, will stick with them for always. Hoping to create lines of communication that will be open and welcoming for them to share!

My Piano

I am a piano player. Not the greatest for sure! But still, I can pretty much hold my own. I taught piano for 13 years. I absolutely LOVE teaching piano! I have not taught in four years, as my life has been changed by three wonderful little lives that I now spend everyday caring for. I love my job now! Would not change things!
But tonight, with the kids in bed and Dan watching something on the sports channel, I was sitting in the living room trying to make sure I am remembering everything I need to get done before we leave on our trip. I suddenly had the strongest urge to play my piano. Just to sit down and play whatever I want. To get that break from time and to do lists and relax with music! Since the kids have entered the home, my play time went from everyday to only when I play for church. This is how it should be. They will get older and I will slowly get my time back to play. But tonight, I wondered how it could be that I so BADLY want to play MY piano. Not the churches piano, but MINE! The one I learned on, I taught on! The one in my bedroom sitting there looking so beautiful and inviting! It was a gift from my Aunt Gail. It made me feel so special when she gave it to me! Something so important, and she gave it to me! It is weird, but it is like I have a relationship with that piano. I have spent So much time with it. It is like an old friend. One that lets me get my feelings out, and always makes me feel better after I have had some alone time to play.
It is amazing how playing my piano can uplift me and feed my soul. Playing a song about my Savior and His love for me, or a child's lullaby that reminds me of little ones, or a fast and fun tune that makes me smile! I am longing for that right now. Wanting an empty room with just me and my piano! I am so grateful that my parents gave me piano lessons! As a parent now, I see just how much they put into making those lessons happen. The money, the time to take me each week, and the pain they must have endured while I practiced!!! I am So glad they gave me the gift of music. This gift of theirs just keeps on giving. I can sit and play and be encouraged and release stress, just by playing music. Music is a powerful thing! I am looking forward to teaching my children how to play. And I am looking forward to more time with my piano, as my children get bigger!
For now, I will have to be patient and wait.

Mixed emotions!

It's a mix of emotions. I can't say how this is for other mothers who have adopted from the foster care system, but I know how it is for me. It is hard to describe. Adopting has been lots of things to me. Amazing, life changing, frustrating, uncomfortable, faith building, overwhelming, precious, beautiful and rewarding. It is filled with days where emotions are all mixed into one. Sadness mixed with elation, all jumbled up.

I had one of those days this week. A call from the state adoptions worker, to get information and set the date to sign adoption placement papers! Sounds pretty exciting, and IT IS! Getting SO SO close to the end of this third adoption, and I am over the moon with being excited about it!

And then the worker stated that she had my little girls birth records! Yep I have had my baby for over a year now and had NO idea how tall she was at birth. NO idea what her apgar scores were. No idea if she was early or late. It is almost like my children REALLY were dropped off by the stork!

The best and most beautiful gift!!! But no information. At least not until the adoption is final and even then, it can be limited. Kinda like at my son's Karate this last week, the moms were ALL sharing their pregnancy stories. How big each of their children were at birth...I only knew that information about 2 of my babies. Then they started talking about labor, and how much baby weight they gained and C-sections and on and on. I am not saying that I am devastated by these things. This is how our family was made and it is beautiful! But these moments of sadness are there. So as the worker started reading me the info over the phone, the "mama" heart in me broke a little. I was not there. I did not hear her first cry, I was not there when they had to do a C- section because of fetal distress. I was not there to feed her, dress her, hold her and cuddle her.

I can hear all that you are thinking right now. I have heard it all. "well you have her now", " that is the way the Lord used to get her to you", "you are there to feed her, hold her and love her now" etc. And you know, I AGREE with all of these statements! They are true and I believe each statement!

BUT... I am still a human and a mother. Sometimes I find, while reading other adoptive parents writings, that it is all beauty and perfect. I am thankful for my babies and would NOT change a thing (except maybe the system...but that is a whole OTHER post), but I feel that the other part, that sadness is not always shown. And for those who have never adopted, it can be a bit deceiving.

It was almost surreal, as I heard the most basic information about my youngest baby. But it was also hard to hear. Hearing about the home she was living in, the chemicals she was exposed to, and the months she was facing at birth in the home she was taken to, overwhelmed my mind and heart and I was sad. I was sad because I am her mommy and I was NOT THERE.

Not every adoption is a open adoption where both families are there, supporting each other and working for the best of the child. All three of our adoptions have been beautiful, but in a different way. In the sense that God created our family, and put us together one piece at a time it is AMAZING!

There is the painful side of adoption.It is not just one day you are sad and that is it. The process is full of different times and issues that come up, and you have to work through it. The times when there is sadness, or anger, or frustration for what your baby had to go through and what you missed with them. And I think it is important to point out that you can have these emotions while still knowing that you have them now, and they are safe and things are different for the future. I have found that I HAVE to allow myself to feel the sad, the mad, the frustration. God gave me these emotions! It is my responsibility to control them, but I have come to learn that I WILL have them. (And as I see it. I think it will be good as my children get older and start to have their own different emotions about their adoptions, that they can see an example in me, on how to still feel the way they feel, and be able to work through it. )

Any OTHER mother would be completely understood to feel the same way if they found out someone had harmed, neglected or abused their precious baby.

And so this week, I am a big mixed up bunch of emotions. Happy, sad, disappointed and AMAZED and excited. This is to me the TRUE picture of adoption.