"You said it!, Horton"

It has been 3 months today, since my little sprout went to heaven. What a hard three months it has been. And I am sure more are ahead. And although the world goes on, and plans are made...my heart is still back there. Back when I had two heart beats inside of me...mine and my precious baby's. I was close to her. I choose to say her, because in all my dreams (they are so many) it was a girl. A beautiful blue eyed, chubby cheeked girl with auburn hair that shimmered with red like it was in the sun. I don't know if that is what she would have looked like, or if it was a girl at all, in my dreams that is how she was and that is all I have. And although there was not a funeral, or a gathering of family to mourn the passing of a member, she still lived, and she still died. And as Horton says "A person's a person, NO MATTER HOW SMALL" I am a HUGE believer in the fact that life begins at conception. And those of you who have had a positive pregnancy test, you know that the love for that baby begins right then...not after it is born. We saw our little ones heart beating, and she even moved a little for us. She was there. I know it more than anyone, because she gave me the gift of feeling sick to my stomach all day long, and she made me need more sleep, and she gave me more joy than anyone could know. So losing her was more than just losing a baby, I lost a dream. My dream of carrying my baby, giving birth, hearing the first cry, nursing her and NEVER having to wait to be told she belongs to me. I know that God saw her as a person, and she is with Him right now and that I will meet her someday. This brings me peace. And I KNOW this, because Jeremiah 1 :5 says Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee. He formed her, he knew her and now he has her. I am grateful for her little life. But missing her today. Thinking about how she would be today, how we would be annoying everyone, for not finding out if it was a boy or girl. How I would be half way through my pregnancy and loving every moment. And although it may seem like a little thing, "A persons a person, no matter how small"

Ironic

So I am reading through this book - Passionate Housewives Desperate for God- and there are so many great things in this book!!! One of the things the authors bring out is the irony of our society today. The topic on what God's word says our job is as wives and mothers, versus what the world thinks we should be doing as woman. Here is a little part that really stood out to me!!

Of course, much of the world would agree that being a housekeeper is acceptable as long as you are not caring for your own home; treating men with attentive devotion would also be right as long as the man is the boss in the office and not your husband; caring for children would even be deemed heroic service for which presidential awards could be given as long as the children are someone else's and not your own.

Homegrown children take a lot of hard work-and sometimes "it ain't pretty" Other times, it's breathtaking! Biblical motherhood means sacrifice, selfless love, and faithful dedication. It means we're there with our families-body, mind and spirit.

My Son is teaching me so much!!!

This last month I have learned a lot from my (almost 3 year old) son! Real, hard, good, life lessons from him!

For example, today he came to me while I was making dinner, and said "okay I'm ready to eat!!" I said "okay its cooking!" Well his world apparently ended!! He through himself on the floor and started screaming, letting me know that my answer was not acceptable. So I gave him the same choice I always give him. Either stop the fit and stand up on his feet, or go to the timeout mat. Now the way we do it is that if he does not choose within 10 sec, we choose for him. So he sat there for too long and I chose for him. Want to guess what I Chose????? That's right, timeout mat. Well this did not sit right with him so he started hitting the wall. I told him he would have to get a swat if he hit the wall again...he looked straight at me and said "NO" and hit the wall! I followed through and as he sat back down, he said "okay mama, I gonna listen". His crying stopped and I called him to me. I explained what I still had to do to get dinner ready and that I would do it as fast as I could, but that he was going to have to wait. He said "ok mama" and after a hug, went back to playing. I always wonder why he has to make such a big deal out of something so small. But all my little boy could see was his hunger and his *want* for food. ( I know for a fact that he was not going to starve to death before dinner was ready). But when I stop and think about it...I am the same way. The Lord probably is up there looking at me and wondering why I am making such a big deal out of such small things. I throw my little fits and wonder "why me" and cry and kick and want want want!!! But the great thing is, that just as I am with Ben, the Lord is with me. I know that Ben was hungry and understood that he was only seeing that. I also knew that he needed to learn that his behavior was not acceptable, so we had to have a learning session. I also let him know that I loved him and explained to him what needed to happen and that he would have to wait. My heavenly Father does the same for me. I know He understands, and sees the whole picture. I know that he must teach me and help me learn what I need to, (most of the time patients) and most of all I know He loves me. In the end, Ben was fine, ate his dinner (and his sisters left overs) and things were good. I know sometimes I worry or fret over things and then in hind sight think to myself how crazy I was to even be worried about it. And even though I may need to sit on the time out mat from time to time, as it is with Ben, I hope those times become fewer and fewer as I learn my lessons as a child of God.

I sure love my boy!!!!

Where do I even start

I sometimes look in the mirror and think about all the things I would like to change. At first it is just this small thing, or that right there...but give me a little bit and I will have a long list of thing I want changed about me. And they are mostly things that are within my power to change. The list can be so overwhelmingly long that it seems like I have no idea where to start. Like when you have been really sick for a long time and then when you get better and back on your feet and you face a house that has been with out attention for a week....it is over whelming and hard to find a place to start. Anyway this rambling of mine is leading somewhere...I think. The last few months I have been looking at myself...not the physical, (although that surly needs some attention) but me...the person. And I am overwhelmed with how many things I need to change about myself. It find myself tired from trying to fix these flaws, and constantly failing. Like complaining. It seems like some days that is all I do. I just complain...but when I step back, I am so blessed and should be nothing but grateful!! And I am judgemental. My first reaction is not one of understanding and love, but of judgment! And I am jealous. Jealous of *THINGS*. I mean really, what more could my God give me!!! I already have more than I deserve!! And I am not confident in myself. I get so frustrated that I second guess everything I do.
I guess this is the normal struggle we have as humans, but I am finding it hard to want to live up to what I read and study in the bible, and yet there just seems like so much that needs to be changed inside me. One day at a time I guess.

Saw this quote and it really hit home. Ben and Hannah's social worker...the one who prayed for them and worked hard to get them to us, is where this quote came from. I really like it. Short and sweet and thought provoking!


“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Debris Avoidance Maneuver

Benjamin and I watched the space shuttle take off the other day. He LOVED it and has been asking to watch it over and over (we dvr'd it). He wants to watch the "space ship go way up into outer space!!!!" Well later I heard it reported that NASA was going to have to plan a "Debris Avoidance Maneuver". Guess the Space Station is having to deal with Space *JUNK* in its orbit and they are needing to move out of its way so that they don't have a collision. As I thought about that it felt like that is what I need!!!! I need to plan some "Debris Avoidance Maneuvers!!" Seems as I set out on my daily orbit around my little world recently, I have had some collisions that have left me in need of repair. And if I don't get myself out of the way of this worlds *junk* I will just keep getting hit!!! Seems like I am surrounded by this *junk*...anger, depression, isolation, frustration, apathy, insomnia...the list just goes on and on. It reminds me of the verse in Ephesians 6:16 about taking on the Shield of faith so that we can withstand the fiery darts of the wicked. Lately it feels like an attack from the wicked one...and all this *junk* in my way are his fiery darts. SOOOOO I need to get myself a "Debris Avoidance Maneuver" !!!! (this could so be used as a spaced themed youth rally!!)

New here

So I have a few friends who blog and I have always liked the idea. My friend Tabitha has a wonderful blog and I am always so blessed to read it. I have been thinking of starting one but have been putting it off, because I already waste enough time on the computer :) But oh well, I think I just might enjoy it. So here I go.