Mommy Instincts

Being a mom is so easy for me. It is part of who I am, it was even before I had my own children. Becoming a mom seems to be where I have to struggle. With two adoptions under my belt, it is easy to forget just how hard a struggle it was to adopt our boy and girl. I had not forgotten that it was LONG and HARD, but I had forgotten the little hard details. The ones I am being reminded of, as we start again with this little 15 month old baby. The moment my eyes saw her, and my arms held her, the mother instincts kicked in, and I was one hundred percent dedicated to protecting, loving and nurturing this little wounded baby. When you go through fost adopt, there are perks and there are the draw backs. One of the perks, is that you get to receive the children and start bonding, instead of having to wait for the court to finalize. One of the draw backs, is knowing that your child is in foster care because of abuse or neglect. To hurt a child is beyond my minds understanding. And yet, there are three here in this house, who have know some form of abuse. As a mother, I would NEVER let anyone get away with hurting my child, and yet it feels like I have.

The fost adopt process is not for the faint of heart. I have had to start again with taking this little one to bio visits, until the court process can take place. I have to go from, holding her, rocking her, protecting her, to taking her and dropping her off to visit (supervised) with someone who has hurt her. As a MOM I would NEVER do that! And so begins the remembering how it was with our other two. How difficult it was to drop them off. Feeling like their mom, and yet having to act like I was not. The great thing is, that even though it felt like visits would never end, they did, and those two babies are ours forever. That is a good reminder for me, as I start the road again with this little precious one. I will do what I MUST and love her as much as I can. Protect her as much as I can, and try my best to balance my DUTY, with my MOMMY INSTINCTS. All three of my children are worth it. My feelings and struggles come second to their needs. And that is the most basic of Mommy Instincts.

"and I came out of you?"

Today was a first for me. Benjamin, my 3 1/2 yr old asked me about my necklace I was wearing today. It is a gold heart, with two little hands inside. Dan got it for me, when we adopted the kids. I have always told the kids that they were Ben and Hannah's hands and that they have always been in my heart and always will be. He was holding it, as I was putting him down for nap. He said "it's my hand when I was a baby" and I said "yes, those look like baby hands, like you were born in my heart" (this came out of my mouth, before I even knew it. it is something I have heard a lot, but had not decided about whether I wanted to use it or not) He looked at me and said "and then I came out of you?" (did this with hand motions and everything) He took me by surprise. I knew it was big for me and just like any other conversation to him. I brushed it off a little and told him I loved him and to take his nap. But what surprised me was the little twinge of pain. Oh how I would have LOVED to carry that little boy, and give birth to him. It hurt not to be able to just say "yes of course".

Later in the day I was rocking them both and Hannah picked up my necklace and started talking about the "baby hands". Ben brought it up again about "coming out of mama". I swallowed and said to my two babies sitting on my lap, "you came out of another woman and then came to live with mama" . Ben said "oh", and that was it. They accepted it. And it was fine with them. And it is with me too, but the truth is that as an adoptive mom, at least for this one, there is always that little bit of hurt, that you were not the one to birth your child.

I think I am more sensitive to this right now, since one year ago yesterday I was in the doctor's office watching my little sprout's heart beating. That was the day the plans were starting in my mind. The fact that our next family pictures would have a infant in them, that Thanksgiving and Christmas were going to be added to, with the new little life I was watching on the screen. And here I am one year later, with our little one deposited in heaven and my boy asking if he "came out of me".

I pray that I say the right things to them, that they feel confident and secure with my answers and that they ALWAYS feel loved, important and special because of who they are.

SUPER DAD!

Thought I would take some time and "brag" a bit on my husband.

As a daddy, he knocks it out of the park! I am so excited to watch my kids grow up with such a great example of what a real man is! I am gonna share a little bit of his "awesomeness" if that is even a word. He is so involved with the kids and they LOVE their daddy. Just take a look!

I came into the living room one evening and this is what I found. Dad helping the kids play "santa's sleigh" (the play strollers are the reindeer) Daddy can sure play pretend with the best of them!!! How fun is that!!!

They are LOVING it!

Ok so here is one that impressed mom!!! Dad took TP rolls and taped them up on the closet door is such a way, that the kids could put a ball in the top and it would come out the bottom!!! Yeah, dad rules!!!

How cool is this!! Daddy painting sissy's finger and toe nails!!! She loves her dad, and I can see why. He takes the time and does those "girly" things she loves! He is winning her heart!

Our Hannah is FOREVER climbing and swinging on any bars she can find. I mentioned it would be great for her to have her own little bars to swing on. SUPER DAD, says "I think I have some spare bar out back" and after some measuring, cutting, cement.....and

...some welding....

The kids now have custom monkey bars to swing on and climb!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!

And we can't forget the TENT in the living room!!! Dad set it up for the kiddos and they LOVED playing "camping" for days!!!

The name "daddy" here in our house, means something pretty special! I am so glad they have him, and know that Hannah will grow up watching him, and I pray she will settle for nothing less when it is time to pick the father of her children. And I can see Ben, loving HIS children the same way his daddy is teaching him to! Not all daddy's are this involved with their kids, and I am grateful for the effort he makes. I know most days he would rather come home from work and crash!, but instead spends that time with his kids. THANKS daddy, for all you do! We love you!

Backwards

The other day, the kids and I were at the doctors office. When the visit was ending, the doctor said to "have a good Thanksgiving". I said we would and that we are "very blessed". The doctor then said something, that people have said on other occasions, that just seems a little hard to swallow. She looked at my kids and said "those kids are so lucky". Now I totally get what she was trying to say. And it is a nice thing to say, but it feels backwards! There is an instant feeling in my gut that knows it is the other way around. And although I completely understand the statement and that it is only ever said from a friendly heart, it is just simply not the way it is.

I wonder sometimes, if the kids hear this over and over, how it might make them feel. They understand more and more everyday.

I mean when a couple has a baby, the friends and family all come in to visit. They look at the baby and then to the parents and tell the parents how Lucky, (or I prefer to say blessed) they are to have that little one. You almost never see them walk up and look at the baby and say "how lucky you are".

It is not that it makes me mad in anyway, it just makes me think, "they must not know". Because as I look at my babies there could never be a time where I could say to them, that THEY are the blessed ones. (in regards to having them, we are all blessed to be alive and provided for)

We started the process of adoption, because we wanted to be parents. And the moment that chubby baby boy was carried into meet us, we became parents. And HE was the joy, the blessing, the fulfillment of dreams. It was the same with his sister, 6 months later. We are the blessed ones. We get to tuck them in at night. Hear their prayers to our Savior, watch them learn to share, and write and color and fight. The house is filled with giggles, and crying and blankies and "wockets" and the occasional little voice yelling from the bathroom "it's wipe'n time mom"!!!!

There is just ONE way to see it for me. I am the one who is blessed. I don't ever want them to think, that they should "thank their lucky stars" that they are with us, because that is not how it is. It is the other way around. I think we can ALL say "but for the grace of God".

So maybe, the next time you are tempted to say to an adoptive parent how Lucky their kids are to be adopted by them, switch it around and let the parents know that you see just how blessed THEY are to have their children. Especially in front of the children. The children will hear that THEY are the blessings, and feel great about who, and where they are.