Thank you...whoever you are.

We just passed Ruthie's Gotcha day a couple weeks ago. Ruthie's true Gotcha day is Christmas Eve. With it being such a big holiday, we decided to celebrate her Gotcha day in January, on the date some important paperwork was done.  So as her Gotcha day came closer she started asking some questions. One of her questions was "how big was I when you got me?"  She is only 4 years old and it was hard to really explain just how big she was at 15 months. I did my best to explain, and her day came and went.  We celebrated and had a great day.
Then just about a week ago Ruthie and I were sitting at Costco, waiting for a prescription to be filled and Ruthie had wanted a hotdog. So we got one and she was eating it holding on to her new stuffed Giraffe she got on our trip to San Fransico.  We were talking and a woman came up and asked if she could sit with us, since all the tables were full. She had her little baby granddaughter with her and the baby was VERY interested in Ruthie's stuffed Giraffe. I said "of course" and she sat beside me. We introduced ourselves and talked a little small talk. Ruthie was pretty shy, as usual  and I could tell she was watching me close to make sure this woman was "OK".  I asked how old her granddaughter was. She said 14 months.  I looked at Ruthie and said "Ruthie look right here, this is about how big you were on you Gotcha day!" Ruthie looked at the baby and gave me a smile and I was happy to have this chance to show her how big she was...and then it hit me. I wondered if the woman beside me was thinking I was nuts. I tend to forget that just because our family uses adoption terms easily and comfortably,  not everyone else does and I wondered what she thought.  Before I could even really wonder, this sweet wonderful woman gasped and smiled at Ruthie and asked her "do you have a Gotcha day, are you adopted?"  Ruthie shyly looked at her and nodded while stuffing her little  face with Costco hotdog.  The woman then said "I am adopted too!"  Ruthie's eyes shot back up at her and Ruthie smiled. The woman said "I just LOVE being adopted, isn't it so great!!!"  Ruthie seemed excited at this and was paying close attention. Ruthie said "yeah I got Taco Bell!!!" (we let them choose where we eat on their Gotcha day)  The woman was so friendly and excited about adoption and had such a WONDERFUL way with Ruthie. She had Ruthie talking and smiling about adoption and I sat back and watched, as a perfect stranger helped my little girl see adoption in such a wonderful way!!!! She truly was a blessing to me and to my daughter. My littles are young and we are trying to set a great and positive foundation about adoption and this sweet woman helped me do that with my littlest one. We just never know how we will bless others. I am so thankful this woman took the time to speak to my girl and bless us both!!!!!!

All Of Me

When adopting from the Foster Care system, there are no guarantees. You go through training that makes it VERY clear, it will be a tough road. A road that has more than just bumps in it, it is full of great big boulders. Ones you can see and ones that fall right in front of you without warning. You understand that it is not a sprint, but a marathon. One in which you receive this blessing of a child LONG before you have the assurance that you will be able to keep them and raise them. It is not an easy road. It is a road well worth traveling though, for how ever long you can.
When we brought B home, I got some questions from others about whether I was able to fully accept him or if I was "holding" back just incase we lost him. This would have been the easier way, to protect my heart and go through the motions until everything was for sure. But as we were handed this precious baby...

...it quickly became all about him and no longer about us. We were the adults, and he was a helpless precious life that needed ALL of our love and ALL of our hearts. No matter if we had him one day, one month, one year or 18 years  he was worth giving our whole self to him. How could we hold back from this little one? He deserved nothing less than our best.

And so did she... 

 ...and so did she.

I heard Matt Hammitt's song "All Of Me" and instantly felt that it described just how it was for us. I know that his situation was different, with a seriously ill baby and promising to not let the fear of losing him steal the time they had together.  But it was the same with us. We had these precious, wounded babies, who needed us and we had to choose to look beyond the fear of losing them, and cherish the time we had with them. It was not easy. We came close to having our hearts broken, but the Lord saw fit to keep these little ones with us.  I am so glad we did not hold back. I am so happy we bonded and became their mama and daddy from day one. We loved them with all of ourselves and put the future in God's hands. The long road from having your child placed in your arms to when the papers are sign takes a lot of time. And I am glad we did not miss one moment of it!

 "I wont let sadness steal you from my arms, I won't let pain keep you from my heart".
"I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I'll spend with you".

"My Mom Said"

When I was told I would not be able to have babies without "intervention" my world changed. I was faced with personal decisions. Decisions that made Dan and I have to take time and pray... A LOT! We had to really take our time and make sure we were doing what we felt the Lord was leading our family to do. So as the doctor explained just exactly what "intervention" meant in our case, my heart sank. We knew it was not for our family. It was something that we both felt the same about. And it was heart breaking.

For the most part, we have been supported in this. With understanding...or at least in front of us. :) As I know everyone will have their own thoughts about it. But in the end it was up to Dan and I.

There have been some who have hinted that it is not "natural" for me to not want to "do whatever it takes" to get pregnant. Or that I must not want it, like other woman. One comment that comes to mind was made by a young child, about 3 years after deciding to not use infertility treatments. This child asked me why I did not have any babies. And I said "cause God has not sent me any yet". The child responded "my mom said if you really wanted a baby, you could have one".

It is frustrating to me, how choosing not to go the path of infertility treatments has made it seem like I did not have the same degree of desire for a pregnancy and a baby. When talking with someone, and sharing the wonderful way God used adoption to create our family, I often get questions like this... "so what kind of fertility treatments did you try?" or " have you tried that IVF thing?" and when I answer "no we decided that fertility treatments were not for us" I get the most confused looks. As if I am so STRANGE for not going as far as it takes to get a biological child.

I am so so so so extremely grateful that we made the choice we did. It is why we now have the three children we were meant to have! My children were not "plan B". They are not just what we got cause we tried everything else under the sun first. They are what was PLANNED by God. My Benjamin, my Hannah  and my little Ruthie girl. There are no biological links between us, but they take after me, they learn from me, and I am their mama.

I will always carry some sadness because I was never able to give birth to a child.  I am a woman and God has put that desire in me.  But I would not change a thing, because it brought me my sweet babies! 

I did REALLY REALLY REALLY want a baby! And God gave me THREE! How blessed am I!!!!!

It's for REALS and not for FAKES

It happened. For the first time since adopting my kiddos someone straight out asked me, after finding out my children were adopted, if I had any "real kids". I was speechless. I bit my tongue, wanting to say "um no I only have "fake kids". (You know using the quotation hand gestures and smothering my voice with sarcasm.) I have come to the conclusion that comments like that are out of ignorance. This person was super nice and I knew there was no malice behind the question. And so I stated back to them " They are my real kids, and no I do not have biological children".

Sometimes it is hard to feel the "difference" adoption can create. The feeling of "proving" my position as "mom". I am thankful that my children were not there to hear it. I am not sure how I would have reacted if they were there and heard that question. (Trying to contain the mama bear in me can be difficult at times.)

Everything about them being my children is REAL. Everything about me being their mom is REAL! The sleepless nights are real! The countless diapers and bottles were real. The noses wiped, the teeth brushed the snacks and meals and milk served are real. The boo boos are real, the endless singing of the ABC's is real. Their hearts and minds and bodies are real. Our relationships are real. Our family is REAL!

And they are REALLY REALLY REALLY my children.

AND I REALLY LOVE THEM! REALLY!

Adoption and the LITTLE things!

Today, the kids and I were doing our normal routine. Outside time and checking the mailbox. The kids were excited to get the "Curious George Goes to the Doctor" movie from netflix. We all walked out to the mail box, well Ben "ran" and Hannah asked me to carry her because "bubba too fast". She is so little and gets frustrated that she can't keep up with him when he is running. We got out to the box and I reached in getting the pile of mail, half of which I knew would go right into the trash....junk mail. We walked back to the yard and the kids busied themselves with playing while I set the mail down and began to read my book, not bothering to go through the pile of mail.

Hannah, as usual, started to climb up on the riding lawn mower, and just as I said "sissy stay off the tracker" (she calls it a tracker) her little foot slipped and she landed right on the guard. She let out a scream and my book went right on the ground as I dashed across the yard to check her. If you know Hannah she is a tough little girl and if she screams or cries, then she must be pretty hurt. She was still laying there, not trying to get up when I made it to her and I was so scared that there was going to be something really bad wrong when I lifted her up. THANKFULLY she was just scared out of her mind and frozen with fear. She sat with me and cried a little until she knew she was okay. I checked her over and was grateful for no big goose eggs or bruises. She already has a bad bruise on her for head from running with her blanket over her face down the hall and her loving brother pushing her into the corner of the wall, on Monday morning! My mind went back to when we would have weekly visits from the social worker and how that every time Hannah fell, I would worry what the social workers would think. We have not had a social worker come for over a year now, but my mind still went back to that time. And I was grateful to be free of "the system".

Hannah hopped off my lap and ran to play. I bent over to get my book and saw the pile of mail and grabbed it to look through it. I flipped through and stopped when I saw a envelope address to Dan and I from the child protective offices, that we received Ben and Hannah from. WHAT??? I had just thought about that not seconds before. So I opened it, not sure what I would find. There was a little hospital baby bracelet and the pink "I'm A Girl" card from the hospital with my little girls information on it!!! I was so excited!!!! The little things like that, from the birth of my children mean so much to me! ANY LITTLE part of those days mean the world to me. I am so thankful that their social worker, who found them, was sweet enough to make sure we got them!

It is so wonderful to receive these things, and also a little bitter sweet. I will always feel the sadness of missing the birth of my kids. Because I am 100 % their mom, just like any other mama who gave birth, I just was not there, when they were born. But things like the bracelet and the "I'm A Girl" card help so much. Like when I called the hospital and told them the situation and they gave me the pass word to get their birth pictures! Those little things seem so big to me!!

It may sound weird, but I am thankful for my infertility. I am thankful because without infertility, we would not have these wonderful souls here with us. These two beautiful babies who fill our lives with joy and bless each of our days. There will always be the sad parts, but the blessings are so So SO much more than then the bad. God sure knew what He was doing and He KNEW we needed BENJAMIN and HANNAH!

So today I am cherishing this little surprise gift in the mail.

GOD IS SO GOOD, GOD IS SO GOOD, GOD IS SO GOOD, HE'S SO GOOD TO ME!