Losing Weight!

I think most people have losing weight on their mind. I know I do. After all the yummy Holiday meals and candy and sweets. I am working on losing the weight but this year I want to add on loosing a DIFFERENT kinda of weight. The weight that I find myself carrying around day after day. The weight that the Lord has told me NOT to carry. I have failed miserably at this and have decided that with the new eating habits and excersise for my physical health, I need to EXCERSISE my FAITH! The Lord did not make my shoulders to carry all the things I find myself carrying! The worry, frustration, stress and fear. This is weighing me down and draining my energy. I need to INCREASE my portions of my Daily Bread and work out my spiritual "muscles". The Lord wants to carry these "heavy" things for me. And I am the one who needs to GIVE it to Him. So, as I begin the new year, I will add to my physical goal of loosing weight and getting healthy, a SPIRITUAL work out plan. I am going to start working through the book MADE TO CRAVE by Lysa TerKeurst. I am looking forward to this study! I am liking how I am feeling, with loosing some of my physical weight, but I am EXCITED about working on loosing the other weights that have me weighed down! I am EXCITED about getting closer to my God and letting Him have more of my life! And when I do, I know loosing the physical weight will get easier!

Happy (lighter) New Year!!!!

This Year Will Be Different!

It is amazing to look back at all that has happened this past year. This week will mark one year since we met our youngest daughter, little Ruth. She has been through such a change!

We got the call about her and met her the very next day. 2 days before Christmas Eve! When we met her, she was not the little girl who lives with us today! She was wounded, sad, scared and seemed tired from life at only one year old. Her little whimper of a cry and fear in her eyes, are etched into my memory. She had been through more than we will ever really know. We brought her home, and started the journey of trying to help this little one heal. It was tough to watch. Her little body exaughisted. She would sit and rock with me, but if I put her down, she would walk to the corner, sit and pull her hair. Something we saw her do every time she was scared or stressed. The back of her hair was rough and broken from all the pulling. She would eat and eat and eat. It was a good six weeks until she would stop eating on her own. Till she knew she would for sure be getting more food.

She slowly started to let my husband hold her. He had an uphill battle to teach her she could trust him. She was silent. Never talking or singing, only whimpering when she needed something or was overwhelmed. My focus was on bonding with her, rocking her and holding her close. It was really what we both needed. Just to sit and rock and hold her.

Her first morning in our home was Christmas morning. You would think it would be GREAT for her. But she was still fragile, scared and untrusting. She liked the toys and the gifts and treats, but was guarded. She held back, unsure of herself. Slowly she started to relax. She grew to trust me, and then Dan. She developed relationships with her brother and sister. She stopped pulling her hair. She started eating a normal amounts of food at meal times. She looked to Dan and I to see if a situation was "ok" or not, and began to trust us.

This year, at Christmas, she is a different girl! She is singing ALL THE TIME around the house. She is playing with her baby dolls and hot wheels (she loves cars!). She has healthy, beautiful hair. She states her mind and has determination! She smiles.

I can't wait to see her this Christmas, running, playing, smiling and laughing! Ripping open her presents and enjoying it. This year, there will be no fear and no stress. She can just be a little girl, having a wonderful Christmas with her family.

What a year! I thank God that He brought her through all that pain and fear, to the place she is now. The sparkle in her eyes is priceless. This Christmas I will be most grateful for her "recovery" and her triumph. She has been through a lot and worked so hard. I am so proud of my girl!

Where Does My Lady Live?

The other day, Dan told me that the kids had been asking him some "adoption" questions. I have done so much in preparation for these times. Trying to make sure that I have answers that are age appropriate and also let them know the truth. And with three children ages 2, 3, and 4 the questions are going to come! But we will not know just how each child will do with learning about it, until we just go through it.

Our dog had puppies about 4 wks ago and the kids are REALLY into how that all happened. They talk about how Gertie "laid" puppies :) This comes from us having chickens and the chickens laying eggs. They have asked if Gertie is the puppies mommy and all the normal questions. But the other day they asked Dan "who laid me?" Dan said he explained that they did not grow in my tummy, but in another woman's tummy. He told them that the other woman was sick because of taking bad drugs and could not take care of them.

Dan was wearing his T-shirt with a picture of the United States on it, covered in stars and stripes. Ben has always asked where we live on the picture and we point to it. Dan said a little bit after their little conversation, Ben came up and asked "where does my lady live?"

It is neat to hear what they come up with, and how they are thinking about things.

* (on a side note)Personally, I like how Ben put it. To me, (this is just MY opinion) the title of "MOM" is earned. It is not something that is just handed out because you conceive. You earn the title by your action AFTER you conceive. The selfless act of giving your child up for adoption, because you know it is best for your baby, is an act of a mother. Abusing your child until the state takes them away, to me does not merit the "mom" status. We do talk to the kids about their "birth mom" (and will continue to do so) but I like how my son put it. His "lady".*

They are growing and starting to understand. Their story books are working out GREAT and it seems to answer all their questions so far. When they were babies, there were no questions. We were just a family. And now we begin the explanation of "how we became a family".

Just last night Ben was laying on the couch and looked over at me and said "did we live in a different home before we lived here with you and daddy?" I said "yes, for a little while until God said it was time for you to come live with mom and dad." He was fine with that answer. I see them starting to understand. Little R's adoption should be final in the spring or summer of next year. I know this will be a neat time for our family. Going to court, and being able to explain to B and H that we did the same thing for their adoption (they were too little to remember). This will be another time when we expect more questions.

My prayer is that while we go through this time of questioning, that our answers will give them a positive feeling about being adopted and to be grounded and firm in the fact that God himself is the one who put our family together one piece at a time

Hannah's First crush!

Lately Hannah has REALLY and I mean REALLY gotten into all of the "Princess" hype! It has been fun watching her dress up and put on make up and all the girly things I did when I was growing up! And just like me, she has started "dreaming" of her wedding. It is fun to watch Dan see his little girl already talking about her "wedd'n" and "tissing da Bwide". Every show and movie she watches and waits for when the princess marries the prince and kisses his bride. She keeps asking to watch our wedding video OVER and OVER. She defiantly has a "romantic" side. Yesterday, I saw her develop her first crush! We had an appointment for a social worker to come from the county to check on Ruth and see how she was doing. This is normal and the kids are use to it, but this time was the first time it was a "man" social worker. He was filling in for our usual social worker. So I went through the whole normal routine. Telling the kids that "Jeremiah" was going to come and that I needed to be able to talk to him and to have polite manners and not "bring out EVERY toy from your room to show him"... etc. The kids agreed.

Jeremiah arrived and walked in. He was very tall and seemed to be in his twenties. Black hair and really very nice and great with the kids. I saw Hannah change right in front of my eyes! She talked to him and did her "showing off" but she would not stop looking at him! I asked them to play in their rooms while we talked...but she just kept coming in and looking and smiling! It was not a long visit. When he was gone Hannah sat looking out the window and kept saying "I miss Miah" And it was all she talked about for about an hour!!! "Miah is so awesome and handsome" "I weally yike Miah, he's so tool"

I have seen Ben with a crush, and now my little Hannah. I informed daddy about Her reaction to Jeremiah when he got home from work. Daddy called Hannah over and said "what this I hear about Jeremiah???" Her eyes lit up and said "He's so handsome and tool and pretty!" Daddy gave her a bit of a hard time and they giggled.

It is so much fun watching them grow and change. And for now this little crush is cute. But it makes me dread the day when she is a teen and having a "crush" will mean so much more!!!! Please oh please let time slow down!!!

Bath tub floor "grippers", a pair of tweezers and some craft beads!

The kids are doing so great with their "school" and I am having a blast teaching them! I have been going online and looking up some things that different preschools use for teaching. I saw this idea and loved it. It really helps with fine motor skills, hand eye coordination, counting, and math. Just some simple bath tub floor "grippers", a pair of tweezers and some craft beads!

Just turn the bath tub "gripper" over so the suction cups are face up. Have the kids transfer the beads, using the tweezers. Mix it up and have them only do one color, or count as they go, or only transfer a certain amount. So many possibilities, and they love it!!!

Felt and Googly Eyes!

I have been having a BLAST with teaching my kids! They are not old enough

for school yet, but old enough to learn! Ben has been reading for a few months now and amazes me with how fast he picks it up! Sounding out his words and starting to try to read signs around town! He is reading so many words and LOVES reading his Hooked on Phonics Books. He is on number 9 of level one already! The kids have their own way of learning, and he learns his words twice as fast on flash cards than in the book. So that is what we do! Here is his stack of cards, each with a word on it that he can read!

Hannah is reading too, and doing well. She is better at her math and numbers. It is interesting to see how she does better with numbers and Ben is not getting numbers so easy, and how Ben picks up the reading, while Hannah takes a bit longer. She is on book number 3 of level one and to me that is awesome for being 3 1/2!!

Ruthie girl is doing awesome on her colors and shapes and is starting her Letters and sounds! They (AND ME) Love the one on one time each day to learn our lessons!

This week I wanted to try to make my own flannel board and stories and lessons for them. So I jumped in and have been having a blast! The kids keep coming up with things for me to make I love trying my best to make them.

I went to Walmart and bought a moving box for $0.69 and some red felt that was on sale. Cut the board and taped it to stand in a triangle and covered the box! And there it was. A board where two kids could play at once on their own sides!

Here are some of the "requests" for me to make. Ghosts, sun, trees, cars and roads etc.

Here is the counting ice cream!!! Matching the scoop with the right number of sprinkles to the right cone!!! (ran out of tan for the cones so had to use what I had) Great for number recognition!

Got the shapes and patterns lessons in there too!

Need to work on my Noah, but the crowd I am working for is pretty easy to please!

Hannah's FAVORITE! NO MORE MONKEY'S JUMPING ON THE BED. (okay, I know they look like bears, but hey, I do my best!)

And Mama's personal FAV!!!! The Speckled Frogs! Great for counting and math!!!!

This all takes me back to teaching piano and making my own games and game boards to teach a student what they need to learn!!! I am excited about being able to use this tool with the kids for just about anything I can make out of felt! It is certainly not at "crafty" as other could do, but hey, the kids like it and that is all that matters. I know for most, this is pretty menial stuff, but for this stay at home mom, it is our little world right now and I am loving it! Priceless memories!

The System...

We are currently in the middle of our third adoption through the Foster Care System. For me, I have my ups and downs. Right now, I am in one of the "frustrated and confused with the system" stages. So this post is coming right in the middle of it. I can't wait till it is all done and final and I can start to forget how it feels "right now".

There are NO regrets! No way! We are so blessed and would do EVERYTHING over again! Our children have blessed our lives so much!

I felt the need to write/vent about the absurdity of the system we have! Dan and I are going through our home study with the state. I think all the stuff they have us do is completely understandable! They are responsible things to have us do, to make sure that the home they are placing a child in, is safe and appropriate!!! My problem comes with how LOPSIDED it is! Here is a list of hoops we have jumped in the past and are currently jumping for the second time.

-fingerprint background checks

-health checks (to make sure we are physically fit to raise a child)

-health checks for B and H

-house inspections

-Proof of employment and income

-12+ hours of adoption training (this is on top of the 12 + hours for the foster care training)

-10 + hours of couple and individual interviews

-countless weekly, monthly, and quarterly visits from several different social workers.

-proof of car, and home insurance

-dmv record

I had an individual interview this last week and it was just so...BACKWARDS! Like I said I AGREE with the things they are having us do! But really, sitting there for two and a half hours answering questions like "how do you deal with negative feelings, and how do you and Dan resolve conflict in your marriage, how do you deal with the annoying things that children do, what kind of support system do you have to deal with crisis?", and on and on and on!!!!" This all makes sense that they would ask these questions! I mean this is a little life! It needs protection and to be treated as a important priority! My problem comes from the fact that this is required of Dan and I, (you know the ones with NO record of child abuse, or neglect, or drug abuse ) but NOT required of these birth parents who keep having 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 babies born on drugs and put into the system! Where are their house inspections, proof of employment, HOURS of interviews, criminal background checks, health checks and training? From my experience, it seems that they have to go to some parenting classes, and rehab (after they abuse a baby). Some lose their children, some get them back. But ALL can just keep on having more babies, abusing them with drugs and alcohol and neglect. These babies are not important enough for all these hoops, UNTIL AFTER they are abused by a PROVEN abuser!

I just don't understand, how I have three beautiful babies here, who are numbers 4, 6 and 7 for their birth-mom's and NONE of these woman have any of their children! BUT hey, they are still allowed to keep on having them! (may sound a bit harsh, but when you are talking about precious babies, how can you sugar coat it?)

I bet, if they were required to jump through the hoops that Dan and I have had to, they would only have one MABYE two children! If for EVERY child they were required to have a home study done (as we are)... then I think there would be SO many less abused and neglected children!

I say, balance this out a bit! Right now, it is feeling a bit lopsided! And I know, there are no easy quick fixes to this supremely flawed system. Just seems that it would be obvious to require the same things on BOTH sides! If the children are important enough on one hand, then they should be on the other. Just does not make sense to me.

Adopting and the first Birthday

I live in a house FULL of blessings! I mean BUSTING at the seams with God's mercy, grace and goodness!! Three of my FAVORITE blessings are the little people who fill up my days with joy, giggles, work, and sometimes tears! My Ben, my Hannah and my Ruthie!

Ben and Hannah each came home BEFORE they had their first birthdays. It is kinda hard for me as their mama, to not be able to "remember" when they were born. The story, how long the labor was, what kind of day it was etc. With Ruthie's birthday coming up here REALLY soon, I am finding that this one is so different! There is not "boy look how much she has changed since her last birthday"!, or remembering where she was and what she was doing "last birthday". She may be turning 2, but it "feels" like her first birthday. Not sure that even makes sense.

It is an odd feeling to want to do the normal "looking back" and not be able to! I know that this will be the only birthday that will be like this for me. Next birthday, I will be able to look back on this one! Most of all, I am feeling the sadness that I was not there on her first birthday. I missed it. She came to us after that. God has a plan and I trust that He sent her to us at just the right time, I just wish I could go back and remember her first year. I have so many years with her ahead of me and I am so excited and ready for that. But this week, I am missing the time I did not have with her. My baby, my little blue eyed bundle of strength! She amazes me with her will and determination. I am so proud of her, and so blessed that God chose me to be her mama.

So this will be the last birthday with Ruthie, where I can NOT look at pictures from last birthday and "reminisce" . Next year, I will be able to take out the "hundreds" of pictures I plan to take of my youngest at her party, and "look back" on the great year we had!

The little things you take for granted when you get to have your baby with you the first year of their life.

Why is Nana Sick?

My children are blessed to have 4 wonderful grandparents and FIVE...yes, FIVE Great Grandparents. Growing up, I LOVED having so many grandparents and now I LOVE seeing my kids build relationships with them.

We have had a hard time lately, learning that Nana (my grandmother) has cancer and is sick. The kids really did not know about it, but after visiting Nana in the hospital this last sunday, my Hannah has had Nana on her mind.

Kinda weird, to think that my kids GREAT grandma (Nana) is only two years older than their Grandma and Grandpa on my husbands side. Guess my side of the family all had their babies really young ;)

Anyway, after our visit to see Nana, Hannah has been asking some questions. In the van today she asked me some and I thought it was the sweetest little conversation!

H- "mama, why is Nana sick"

Me- "cause she has a bad germ in her lungs"

H-"what kind of bad germ?"

Me-"well the name of it is cancer"

H- "and the doctors are taking good care of her at my hospital? (Nana is in the hospital where Hannah was born, and she knows it as "her hospital")

Me- "yes they are working very hard to make Nana feel better"

H- " is Nana gonna be sick a yong time?"

Me- (feeling a little teary) " well it looks like she will be sick for awhile"

H- "maybe if Nana sneezes WHEALLY WHEALLY hard she can make the germ get out of her lungs"

Me-"that is a good idea, but I don't think it would work. It is a pretty mean germ"

H-"DOD can tell that mean germ to GET OUT!!!"

Me- "that is right baby! He sure can"

H- "I love my Nana."

Me- "I do too"

H-(after a long pause) "mama?"

Me- "yes?"

H-"what do yizards (lizards) eat?"

I was thankful for the change of subject. It was bitter sweet talking to my little girl about her Nana. I love her faith and her concern. I love that she KNOWS God can help her Nana. I love her tender heart, and curious mind, trying to figure out how to make her Nana better. I wish life were that simple. I wish my sweet Grandma was not sick, or hurting. For now, I will cherish everyday. Try and learn from my children and have faith and love, and realize that "Dod" is in control and can do anything.

Summer treats, little hands, and Hair!

This is just a post of a few things I have tried this summer. Some things that I have modified, or found that have worked for me.

I really liked the idea of the automatic soap dispensers. I have three little guys who have a hard time getting the soap pumped out of the pump kind. Especially since Ruthie potty trained, she just can't do it. I priced one at Bed Bath and Beyond at $20. But that was too much for me. So when I found the Lysol one at Walmart for $6 I went for it. The catch is that you have to buy "their" bottles of soap that are $2.60. The small bottles go fast with a family of five. SOOOOO I bought two bottles. When the first one ran out, I took it out, pried the top off and added my OWN cheaper liquid soap I bought in bulk! So I save and the dispenser was only $6! I am sure I could put sanitizer in the bottles too! This has made it so easy for the kids to wash their little hands after using the potty! I am happy with it!

I saw on a ad on TV about making the TRIX yogurt into frozen yogurt pops and wanted to give it a try. Thought the kids would enjoy it. Tried it, and it would work for older kids, but seemed a bit much for my little guys. SOOOO I just took our regular yogurt we normally eat and filled up our popsicle molds!

I cover it with foil and put in the popsicle sticks!

Into the freezer they went! They turned out great and are now a favorite! And I love that it is frozen yogurt!

Another favorite the kids love is Frozen Bananas. I break the banana in half, put in a popsicle stick, wrap it up and freeze! The kids call it "Banana Ice Cream" but mom knows it is just good wholesome healthy fruit!

On to HAIR!! I am having fun trying out new hair do's on Hannah's hair. We still have a little bit more time before Ruthie has enough hair to really work with. Hannah has started to want to have her hair down, but "not in my eyes mama". So when I saw these headbands a while back online I wanted to give it a try! So I got what I needed and surprised myself with some useable headbands in the end! They are made out of satin, and I like how delicate and fancy they look. Hannah picked the colors and she is wearing them all the time! Ruthie is too! So here are some pics!

YELLOW

WHITE

PURPLE

Hannah's Favorite PINK!

We are having a great summer and loving every moment of it together!

Four In Four...boy how things have changed!

This time of year has me thinking. I know this will fade as the years go by, but for now, it is still with me. If our little sprout had stayed with us, we would be throwing a first birthday party. I don't really feel *sad* about it. I miss what could have been, but this is how life is and God is in control. And His plan is always better than mine. The last few days as I have been thinking about the little one that is not here, it has caused me to think back . To take stock, and take in just what we have been through.

So many months of trying to have a baby! We had to wait...and wait...and wait...and wait... on the Lord. At the time, it was hard and difficult, but looking back, we are stronger better parents because of that time together, building our marriage. 8 years of Dan and I. (and our many dogs and pets) And then, it seemed that when the Lord decided to make us parents, He through us in the deep end!!!! It has been awesome...but crazy! In June of 2006 our first child. A baby boy. I remember thinking, "this is probably the only baby we will get". We were brand new parents...still learning when in Jan of 2007 our baby girl came to us! We were in shock for the first 4 months of her life I think! We just could not believe how great the Lord had blessed us! It was a rocky road...hard, and long, but at the end of each day we had TWO babies after waiting so long!!!! Then in November of 2008 (only 8 months after the adoptions on B and H were finalized) God let me get pregnant with our little Sprout! WHAT? It was awesome and scary and unbelieveable! We only had a couple short months with this third sweet child of ours, but they were great! Can't wait to meet my baby one day. THEN, in 2009, for Christmas, God sent us our little Ruthie! We were not expecting another huge blessing, but it right there for us! If you have noticed the years? Four babies, in four years!

Ben-2006

Hannah-2007

Sprout-2008

and Ruthie-2009.

(this makes me a bit nervous about finishing out 2010...I have a pretty full plate ;)

What a whirl wind. We went so many years with no babies and then WHAM! The deep end! I love it. I love how God has worked and I love how He has been the one building our family! I am wondering just how we will handle it when things settle down. Not sure we will know how to handle "normal" ;) 4 in 4 CRAZY!

Feeling like a Square Peg in a Round Hole

Dear Diaper Basket

Dear Diaper Basket,

We have been good friends for a long time. A LONG LONG LONG TIME!!! We had that short little 6 months where we had a break from each other...but now, you are ON YOUR WAY OUT!

Don't get me wrong, I have LOVED what you mean! You mean there is a little baby rolling, crawling, or toddling around my house. And that is pretty awesome! You have been emptied and filled back up more than I can count!! 4 years you and I have been working together to keep these little people clean and dry and fresh. But I am glad to say, you are about to lose your job! Our little last person, is using the BIG POTTY, and doing awesome! And that means, only diapers when she sleeps. Although, soon it will only be at night, because her diaper has been clean and dry after nap for almost a week now. I am surprised at this! I did not think this little blondy blue eyed girl would train so fast. She is not two until September, but she is proving me wrong! She seems to have this thing down and seems HAPPY to no longer need your assistance. I am proud of her!

And so old friend, for now I will start to move you slowly into the closet where you will live on the top shelf. I am excited to have it a bit easier in everyday life and A LOT easier on my wallet. And I will pray that maybe...maybe....maybe...I will have to take you down for just ONE more little miracle that may come our way. If not, that is okay too. We have had a good run! A good LONG CRAZY run!!!!

Ben's "Gotcha" day! 2010

IT'S BEN DAY!!!!!!! Today is Ben's "gotcha" day! The day we brought our boy home!!!!

We always celebrate the kids "gotcha" days by a meal out and a toy!

Since tonight is Church, we celebrated last night.

Ben was so excited about Ben day! He kept saying "MOM! Happy Ben DAY!" It was awesome. While the girls were taking their nap,

Ben and I shared some time, talking about when we brought him home.

He asked me "mom, where did you go get me from?" I answered "we went up the mountain and got you!" Ben- "when I was a baby, and God said I was your little boy?" Me " yep! and daddy and I were so so so excited to go get you!" The proud smile on his face was priceless! I will cherish that conversation with my boy!

We had received a gift card (foster parent appreciation gift) to Chili's, and thought what better way than to celebrate the day we got our first child!

The whole night he was proud, happy, and felt special!

With his Fries and Mac and Cheese!!!

And we can't forget the BLUE ICEE!!!!

His little sisters (or as Ben has started calling them "my girls") had a good time too!

For his toy choice our boy chose this air plane! He was so excited!!!

(that is chocolate ice cream on his face!!!)

We sure love you Ben! Happy Ben DAY!!!!!

Questions, Questions,Questions

I am a mother of three awesome kids. 4, 3, and almost 2 years old. Which means that we don't go more than 30 seconds without a question of some sort. Some nights I lay down in bed and my head aches from all the questions.

"Mom, why does daddy have to go to work?" (this one is answered EVERYDAY!), "mom, why you doin dat?", "mom, where is my cup?", "mom can I have some snack", "why do bugs crawl?", "what do bears eat?", "what do giraffes eat?", "why do giraffes eat leaves?" "why Dod give me a belly button?", "mom, why my feet hop yike dis?", "why do cars drive on roads?", "why we take a baf, I not dirty", "mom why we have haiwr?" "why we have ta rub on sun screen?", "why we doe to churwch?", "why does superman never come to our house?".

This is just a taste of what a 15 min time period sounds like in my house. And my youngest barley talks!!!!!!! Dan and I have stopped measuring our road trips in Mile per hour, and now measure it in Questions per mile!

I know that it is a stage and to tell you the truth, even though it drives me nuts sometimes, I love how curious they are and how much they want to learn and soak in! The other day while in the van on the way to gymnastics, my Hannah was shooting off question after question. Mostly about which pedal in the car makes it go and which one makes it stop. She was trying to figure it out and I started thinking. I thought about me, and how I was as a young child of God. Right after I was saved and for years after that, I was FULL of questions and the desire to study and learn learn learn! It was just part of who I was, like it is for my kids right now. And it humbled me. Where have all MY questions gone. I should still be, asking, studying, seeking and finding! I have let the busyness of life, and the stress of this world slow me down in this area of my life. Slow me down to nothing more than a crawl.

I think I can learn a lot from my children, who are constantly asking why and trying to figure things out and learn more! I may have a good foundation, and know quite a bit, but I will NEVER know everything and I am so far from knowing what I should about God, His Love and His Word. He will always have more to teach me. I just need to show up to class more, and ask some questions. "God why should I do this?", "where should I go now?" "what do YOU want me to do for You today"? etc. So I will try to learn this lesson my children have taught me, and get curious, and interested and question, study, seek and find more and more each day!

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness.

The Father Of My Children

This Father's Day was neat! Ben and Hannah are old enough to start to say what they want to get for daddy, AND it was Dan's first Father's day with THREE children! Pretty awesome!! So about a month ago, I asked the kids what they wanted to get daddy for Father's day. Ben piped up "I think Daddy needs a TROPHY!!!!" It was the perfect idea from his little four year old mind. Yep, their daddy deserves a trophy! Cause he is so awesome at his job as a daddy! So we marched into the trophy shop and I let each on pick out a trophy for dad!

Ben chose the spinning hockey puck with a man who he thought looked like Superman flying, holding a donut! Hannah chose the Baseball that you can play with and move around! And Ruth was the classic cup! I decided to have them engraved with sayings that the kids day to Dan. Ben's said "I WUB YOU TOO DAD". Hannah's- "YOU'RE MY BEST DADDY". And Ruth's was the simple "DA" since that is what she calls him! They were so excited and of course daddy heard about the trophies he was getting LONG before Father's day, but that made it fun too!

I got Dan a play station game and am taking him to see an A's game in a couple weeks, but I know Dan. And although I know he loves the gifts I gave him, his FAVORITE gifts were those trophies. He took them to work and they now live on his desk, sitting there, reminding him through the day of the kids who adore him at home.

When I was a teen, a sweet older woman of the church told me, that when I chose my mate, not to be selfish, and to consider that he would be the father of my children. She told me to choose a good daddy for my babies! In this, I chose well! He is the best dad I could ever ask to have for my children! OUR children. He surprises me all the time with how loving and involved he wants to be, and how helpful he is to me.

So good choice Ben! You had the best idea to get your dad trophies! He deserves them for sure!

The little BIG things!

Yesterday, as I wrote in my post, was a tough day. A day of disappointment. Those days come and those days go. The GREAT thing about yesterday, was that I said prayer to my Heavenly Father. I prayed that He would encourage my heart and lift my spirits. AND HE DID!!! He sure knows what He is doing! I am excited to share just how wonderful God is and how BIG He can make the "little things".

Last Christmas Eve we got a new DAUGHTER!! My WHOLE life I will LOVE telling her Christmas story. Anyway, I told my husband that my necklace just would not work anymore and that I would need a new one. (here is the necklace he got me when we adopted our first two kiddos)

Loved the two hands that represented my two kids. But with the addition of our second daughter, I knew I needed a new one. So for part of my Christmas gift my husband said to find a necklace I liked that represented my kids and get it. I looked and looked and found LOTS of pretty necklaces...but it took me until last week to find what I wanted and at the right price. I wanted something that could represent ALL my children. I found it on ETSY at a shop called Hannah Design- (byhannahdesign.etsy.com ) I fell in love with her jewelry and her prices and after choosing her noticed her name! It was meant to be! I made my custom order and in less than a week it arrived! It arrived in the mail just a few hours after taking that pregnancy test that once again was negative. Just a few hours after praying and asking for help to lift my spirits. It was like He knew I would need this necklace on THAT day at THAT time! His own little warm hug sent to me! Here is my NEW necklace.

My disc with "benjamin" and a pearl. My flower with "hannah" and a pearl. My flower with "sprout" and a heart and my flower with "ruth" and a pearl. I LOVE IT!

You might be asking why I would include sprout. I included sprout, because she was a real living child of mine. She now lives in heaven, which is why I chose to get the heart. Because that is where I keep her memory, is in my heart. And to me it is not a sad thing at all. When I thought about it, leaving sprout out would have been the sad thing to me. It is my strong belief that if we would treat these little lives like they were and are just as important as any other human life, then maybe they would not be so easily forgotten in our society. And this is my little way of showing that I believe that life is precious and begins at conception and will joyfully celebrate the little life that was sent to us.

And so as I opened the package with the little box, and saw the pink satin little bag that held my necklace, my spirit was lifted. I put my necklace on and could not help but smile. With the names of my children around my neck, the day was no longer "negative" like that pregnancy test. What a BIG thing this "little" necklace of mine is! It is perfect for me and I will wear it with joy and pride! God is good ALL THE TIME!

NEGATIVE

Today, is a tough one. Lots of things going on in my life. A four year old, learning reading and writing, and talking NON stop about rockets and aliens. A three yr old trying to keep up with her brother with reading and writing, while at the same time trying EVERY dangerous stunt she can think of. And in the middle of adopting a precious little one yr old angel who needs constant love, attention and consistency. I know this sounds like a lot. And it is. My plate is full.

But this week, as my cycle is late, and I am having surges of hormones and signs that can either mean cycle or pregnancy, I found myself hoping and praying for one more HUGE MAJOR miracle to drop on my plate. Really is this fair? The mental torture of wondering. Of hoping. And the logical part, the part that tells me that if I have only had 1 pregnancy in the 12 years I have been married, the odds are I will not be getting pregnant again, flies out the window and my femaleness takes over. The desire to have a baby. To feel a baby inside me, to give birth, to hear the first cry...to be the ONLY mommy. There is NO stopping it. Well, ok, maybe there is a way, but I have NOT found it. You would think that after ALL these years and after ALL that the doctors have sat and told me, I would be at a place where I knew it was just not gonna happen. I was there at one point. UNTIL THE IMPOSSIBLE happened and I found myself in 2008 pregnant. Ever since then, my brain keeps going back to that and telling my heart, "it has happened before, it can happen again".

What makes it so much worse is when I am late. When I start to have "signs" that it just might be! That has been this last week for me. Finally I decided to stop the wondering and the talking back and forth with myself and take a test. I HATE TAKING THOSE STUPID TESTS!!! Simply because 99.9% of the time I have EVER taken them, they are a disappointment. I took the test, praying for this...

It amazes me how fast the female mind can go from "I wonder if..." to figuring out due dates and thinking of names and colors and car seats and little booties! Especially when it is such a dream to have a baby. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to not ride this roller coaster. And so I waited and waited only to do what I have done so MANY times before...I saw this...

YEP! "not pregnant" That's me! The one thing that can describe me for my entire life (except those awesome two months in 08) is "NOT PREGNANT". And that is ok. But on the days when you see it right in front of you, it is tough to swallow AGAIN. And the whole..."maybe I did not wait long enough", and going and checking again. It is hard for me to imagine that people all around me out there can just decide to "get pregnant" and TA-DA they are! I know that is the norm, but man it is so hard for me to fathom.

I am so happy with the three wonderful children I have! I am excited to meet my little one in heaven someday. It is awesome to see my children play and grow and call me mama. I would not trade anything! I am so grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I do not "deserve" any of them and I don't feel like it is "owed" me to be able to have a baby. But, God did give woman the desire to have babies, and I for sure still have the desire.

So for now, I will have a couple of "down days" and a week with crazy hormones and painful cycle. And I know I will get back up to being more positive. I will take the kids to the park and immerse myself in how great my kids are, and I will slowly forget about the "not pregnant" reminder I received yet again this morning.

I'm a "SUPERSTAR"!!!!!

I may not be an "A" lister actress, or a superstar singer, or a famous reality TV star...BUT in this house I feel like A SUPERSTAR!

Yes, in all the cool ways! I love how my kids think I can "fix anything" or "make anything" or "make everything better". I love the attention with all the hugs and kisses and little voices calling for me! It makes my life so spectacular and I am soaking in every minute of it!!! It is an awesome feeling to mean so much to these three little blessings!

On the FLIP side. Some days it feels like these little ones are like the mini "paparazzi" squad!!!! I can't eat, sleep, get dressed, shower, use the restroom, do my hair, cook, clean or just sit, without THEM!!! All that is missing are little cameras in their hands!!! LOL! It is hard to remember when I would go to the bathroom without the door flying open and a little one's head popping in to "find mama". This house in my own little personal Hollywood! I get NO privacy and they LOVE me to death!

Yes, at times it gets old and a little much to handle, but most of the time, I soak it in. Knowing they are growing fast and soon they will be three high schoolers who don't have that "need" to know where mama is all the time. They will be spreading their wings and leaving the nest at some point. And then it will feel lonely.

So for now, I will gladly be the "A" lister in my house. The one that everyone wants all at the same time!! At this time in my life, I am loving the fact that my family, "just can't get enough of me!" :)