Feeling like a Square Peg in a Round Hole

Dear Diaper Basket

Dear Diaper Basket,

We have been good friends for a long time. A LONG LONG LONG TIME!!! We had that short little 6 months where we had a break from each other...but now, you are ON YOUR WAY OUT!

Don't get me wrong, I have LOVED what you mean! You mean there is a little baby rolling, crawling, or toddling around my house. And that is pretty awesome! You have been emptied and filled back up more than I can count!! 4 years you and I have been working together to keep these little people clean and dry and fresh. But I am glad to say, you are about to lose your job! Our little last person, is using the BIG POTTY, and doing awesome! And that means, only diapers when she sleeps. Although, soon it will only be at night, because her diaper has been clean and dry after nap for almost a week now. I am surprised at this! I did not think this little blondy blue eyed girl would train so fast. She is not two until September, but she is proving me wrong! She seems to have this thing down and seems HAPPY to no longer need your assistance. I am proud of her!

And so old friend, for now I will start to move you slowly into the closet where you will live on the top shelf. I am excited to have it a bit easier in everyday life and A LOT easier on my wallet. And I will pray that maybe...maybe....maybe...I will have to take you down for just ONE more little miracle that may come our way. If not, that is okay too. We have had a good run! A good LONG CRAZY run!!!!

Ben's "Gotcha" day! 2010

IT'S BEN DAY!!!!!!! Today is Ben's "gotcha" day! The day we brought our boy home!!!!

We always celebrate the kids "gotcha" days by a meal out and a toy!

Since tonight is Church, we celebrated last night.

Ben was so excited about Ben day! He kept saying "MOM! Happy Ben DAY!" It was awesome. While the girls were taking their nap,

Ben and I shared some time, talking about when we brought him home.

He asked me "mom, where did you go get me from?" I answered "we went up the mountain and got you!" Ben- "when I was a baby, and God said I was your little boy?" Me " yep! and daddy and I were so so so excited to go get you!" The proud smile on his face was priceless! I will cherish that conversation with my boy!

We had received a gift card (foster parent appreciation gift) to Chili's, and thought what better way than to celebrate the day we got our first child!

The whole night he was proud, happy, and felt special!

With his Fries and Mac and Cheese!!!

And we can't forget the BLUE ICEE!!!!

His little sisters (or as Ben has started calling them "my girls") had a good time too!

For his toy choice our boy chose this air plane! He was so excited!!!

(that is chocolate ice cream on his face!!!)

We sure love you Ben! Happy Ben DAY!!!!!

Questions, Questions,Questions

I am a mother of three awesome kids. 4, 3, and almost 2 years old. Which means that we don't go more than 30 seconds without a question of some sort. Some nights I lay down in bed and my head aches from all the questions.

"Mom, why does daddy have to go to work?" (this one is answered EVERYDAY!), "mom, why you doin dat?", "mom, where is my cup?", "mom can I have some snack", "why do bugs crawl?", "what do bears eat?", "what do giraffes eat?", "why do giraffes eat leaves?" "why Dod give me a belly button?", "mom, why my feet hop yike dis?", "why do cars drive on roads?", "why we take a baf, I not dirty", "mom why we have haiwr?" "why we have ta rub on sun screen?", "why we doe to churwch?", "why does superman never come to our house?".

This is just a taste of what a 15 min time period sounds like in my house. And my youngest barley talks!!!!!!! Dan and I have stopped measuring our road trips in Mile per hour, and now measure it in Questions per mile!

I know that it is a stage and to tell you the truth, even though it drives me nuts sometimes, I love how curious they are and how much they want to learn and soak in! The other day while in the van on the way to gymnastics, my Hannah was shooting off question after question. Mostly about which pedal in the car makes it go and which one makes it stop. She was trying to figure it out and I started thinking. I thought about me, and how I was as a young child of God. Right after I was saved and for years after that, I was FULL of questions and the desire to study and learn learn learn! It was just part of who I was, like it is for my kids right now. And it humbled me. Where have all MY questions gone. I should still be, asking, studying, seeking and finding! I have let the busyness of life, and the stress of this world slow me down in this area of my life. Slow me down to nothing more than a crawl.

I think I can learn a lot from my children, who are constantly asking why and trying to figure things out and learn more! I may have a good foundation, and know quite a bit, but I will NEVER know everything and I am so far from knowing what I should about God, His Love and His Word. He will always have more to teach me. I just need to show up to class more, and ask some questions. "God why should I do this?", "where should I go now?" "what do YOU want me to do for You today"? etc. So I will try to learn this lesson my children have taught me, and get curious, and interested and question, study, seek and find more and more each day!

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness.

The Father Of My Children

This Father's Day was neat! Ben and Hannah are old enough to start to say what they want to get for daddy, AND it was Dan's first Father's day with THREE children! Pretty awesome!! So about a month ago, I asked the kids what they wanted to get daddy for Father's day. Ben piped up "I think Daddy needs a TROPHY!!!!" It was the perfect idea from his little four year old mind. Yep, their daddy deserves a trophy! Cause he is so awesome at his job as a daddy! So we marched into the trophy shop and I let each on pick out a trophy for dad!

Ben chose the spinning hockey puck with a man who he thought looked like Superman flying, holding a donut! Hannah chose the Baseball that you can play with and move around! And Ruth was the classic cup! I decided to have them engraved with sayings that the kids day to Dan. Ben's said "I WUB YOU TOO DAD". Hannah's- "YOU'RE MY BEST DADDY". And Ruth's was the simple "DA" since that is what she calls him! They were so excited and of course daddy heard about the trophies he was getting LONG before Father's day, but that made it fun too!

I got Dan a play station game and am taking him to see an A's game in a couple weeks, but I know Dan. And although I know he loves the gifts I gave him, his FAVORITE gifts were those trophies. He took them to work and they now live on his desk, sitting there, reminding him through the day of the kids who adore him at home.

When I was a teen, a sweet older woman of the church told me, that when I chose my mate, not to be selfish, and to consider that he would be the father of my children. She told me to choose a good daddy for my babies! In this, I chose well! He is the best dad I could ever ask to have for my children! OUR children. He surprises me all the time with how loving and involved he wants to be, and how helpful he is to me.

So good choice Ben! You had the best idea to get your dad trophies! He deserves them for sure!

The little BIG things!

Yesterday, as I wrote in my post, was a tough day. A day of disappointment. Those days come and those days go. The GREAT thing about yesterday, was that I said prayer to my Heavenly Father. I prayed that He would encourage my heart and lift my spirits. AND HE DID!!! He sure knows what He is doing! I am excited to share just how wonderful God is and how BIG He can make the "little things".

Last Christmas Eve we got a new DAUGHTER!! My WHOLE life I will LOVE telling her Christmas story. Anyway, I told my husband that my necklace just would not work anymore and that I would need a new one. (here is the necklace he got me when we adopted our first two kiddos)

Loved the two hands that represented my two kids. But with the addition of our second daughter, I knew I needed a new one. So for part of my Christmas gift my husband said to find a necklace I liked that represented my kids and get it. I looked and looked and found LOTS of pretty necklaces...but it took me until last week to find what I wanted and at the right price. I wanted something that could represent ALL my children. I found it on ETSY at a shop called Hannah Design- (byhannahdesign.etsy.com ) I fell in love with her jewelry and her prices and after choosing her noticed her name! It was meant to be! I made my custom order and in less than a week it arrived! It arrived in the mail just a few hours after taking that pregnancy test that once again was negative. Just a few hours after praying and asking for help to lift my spirits. It was like He knew I would need this necklace on THAT day at THAT time! His own little warm hug sent to me! Here is my NEW necklace.

My disc with "benjamin" and a pearl. My flower with "hannah" and a pearl. My flower with "sprout" and a heart and my flower with "ruth" and a pearl. I LOVE IT!

You might be asking why I would include sprout. I included sprout, because she was a real living child of mine. She now lives in heaven, which is why I chose to get the heart. Because that is where I keep her memory, is in my heart. And to me it is not a sad thing at all. When I thought about it, leaving sprout out would have been the sad thing to me. It is my strong belief that if we would treat these little lives like they were and are just as important as any other human life, then maybe they would not be so easily forgotten in our society. And this is my little way of showing that I believe that life is precious and begins at conception and will joyfully celebrate the little life that was sent to us.

And so as I opened the package with the little box, and saw the pink satin little bag that held my necklace, my spirit was lifted. I put my necklace on and could not help but smile. With the names of my children around my neck, the day was no longer "negative" like that pregnancy test. What a BIG thing this "little" necklace of mine is! It is perfect for me and I will wear it with joy and pride! God is good ALL THE TIME!

NEGATIVE

Today, is a tough one. Lots of things going on in my life. A four year old, learning reading and writing, and talking NON stop about rockets and aliens. A three yr old trying to keep up with her brother with reading and writing, while at the same time trying EVERY dangerous stunt she can think of. And in the middle of adopting a precious little one yr old angel who needs constant love, attention and consistency. I know this sounds like a lot. And it is. My plate is full.

But this week, as my cycle is late, and I am having surges of hormones and signs that can either mean cycle or pregnancy, I found myself hoping and praying for one more HUGE MAJOR miracle to drop on my plate. Really is this fair? The mental torture of wondering. Of hoping. And the logical part, the part that tells me that if I have only had 1 pregnancy in the 12 years I have been married, the odds are I will not be getting pregnant again, flies out the window and my femaleness takes over. The desire to have a baby. To feel a baby inside me, to give birth, to hear the first cry...to be the ONLY mommy. There is NO stopping it. Well, ok, maybe there is a way, but I have NOT found it. You would think that after ALL these years and after ALL that the doctors have sat and told me, I would be at a place where I knew it was just not gonna happen. I was there at one point. UNTIL THE IMPOSSIBLE happened and I found myself in 2008 pregnant. Ever since then, my brain keeps going back to that and telling my heart, "it has happened before, it can happen again".

What makes it so much worse is when I am late. When I start to have "signs" that it just might be! That has been this last week for me. Finally I decided to stop the wondering and the talking back and forth with myself and take a test. I HATE TAKING THOSE STUPID TESTS!!! Simply because 99.9% of the time I have EVER taken them, they are a disappointment. I took the test, praying for this...

It amazes me how fast the female mind can go from "I wonder if..." to figuring out due dates and thinking of names and colors and car seats and little booties! Especially when it is such a dream to have a baby. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to not ride this roller coaster. And so I waited and waited only to do what I have done so MANY times before...I saw this...

YEP! "not pregnant" That's me! The one thing that can describe me for my entire life (except those awesome two months in 08) is "NOT PREGNANT". And that is ok. But on the days when you see it right in front of you, it is tough to swallow AGAIN. And the whole..."maybe I did not wait long enough", and going and checking again. It is hard for me to imagine that people all around me out there can just decide to "get pregnant" and TA-DA they are! I know that is the norm, but man it is so hard for me to fathom.

I am so happy with the three wonderful children I have! I am excited to meet my little one in heaven someday. It is awesome to see my children play and grow and call me mama. I would not trade anything! I am so grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I do not "deserve" any of them and I don't feel like it is "owed" me to be able to have a baby. But, God did give woman the desire to have babies, and I for sure still have the desire.

So for now, I will have a couple of "down days" and a week with crazy hormones and painful cycle. And I know I will get back up to being more positive. I will take the kids to the park and immerse myself in how great my kids are, and I will slowly forget about the "not pregnant" reminder I received yet again this morning.