When EVERYTHING Changed!

June 29th. A very special day to me. The day I became a Mama.

Three years ago on June 28th 2006 Dan made a phone call to a VERY special social worker, who was looking for an adoptive home for a little baby boy. At that time Dan and I worked at a foster care agency, and this little guy had come in as available. All I knew about him was what was written on a yellow post it note...

Name- Arrow

Native American

2 months

I did not pay much attention to it, until my boss, told me that she had told the social worker about Dan and I in regards to this little baby. Now years of wanting a baby, and constant disappointment had made me put a guard up. I let myself feel NOTHING. Dan was told to give the SW a call and so he did. We both still did not expect much. Dan was gone to an appointment, while I was at the office. I did not let myself think about it. "Not till there is something to think about" I told myself. The reality of it was that there are only so many times you can let your hopes get high. I was a pro by this time! Don't think anything will come of anything. This way, you can survive the days, months and years that pass without any children of your own. Sounds a little "hard" but that is how it had to be for me. It was too much to let my heart get excited. So I just told myself this was nothing and to focus on reality.

Dan came back to the office and came in and sat by me. He said he called the SW (social worker) and that she wanted to meet with us the very next day, to see if we were a fit for this baby! WHAT???? A meeting? Could this be happening? I remember feeling a little "upset" that I was gonna now have to try and control my feelings of excitement. Because what if it fell through....it was barley anything at this point and still it was instantly EVERYTHING to me! He did not say it, but I know that Dan felt the same way. We kept telling each other to "not get our hopes up" (okay he had to tell me twice as much as I had to tell him). We discussed whether to tell people or not. Do we get every ones hopes up? And then what if it fell through and we had all these people who would know...At first we decided not to tell anyone. But as the day went on, we decided the more people praying for us, the better. So we spread the word. We asked for prayer. It was a Wednesday night and that means CHURCH! So the word was spread and the churches were praying for us. And the Lord was about to BLESS!

That night was hard, long, exciting. A few times we let ourselves talk about how great it would be if we got this baby. But it all came back to putting it in God's hands and not getting our hopes up. Thursday June 29th came, and I could not wait for 2 pm. I had no idea what the day would bring. Our car was acting up so we borrowed my in laws jeep to make the trip. I remember my mother in law asking Dan if we should take their Escalade, "just in case the baby came home with us". We laughed, and told her there was no way he would come home with us that day, it was just not how things worked. (looking back she had more faith than we did! She knew how big her God was!) We drove to the meeting and I had so many questions in my heart. Will the SW like me. Is my hair fixed right, will I say the right things, will there be a spot on my face through the whole interview and I won't know it. Will we see the baby, and if we do, how will my heart react? God was in control. The SW made me feel at ease the moment she entered the room. Her questions and smiles made my fear leave me. But I was guarded until I asked her when we would know if she picked us to be the home for this baby. The moment she looked at Dan and I and said "I pick you" the guard fell and excitement filled me!!!

Then she said it was time to met the little guy! She left the room and Dan and I sat in silence, but our looks to each other spoke volumes! Could this be happening? Our paperwork was still not done with our agency, and they were taking their time getting it done... would that change things? Then she walked in with the baby carrier and there he was. ALL 15 pounds of him. Right then, I became a mother! How could I ever doubt how my heart would react? He was my boy the moment my eyes saw him. And when he was handed to me, EVERYTHING CHANGED! We had 30 min with our son. We were in a room with a table, a few toys and a two way mirror. We knew they were watching us, but NONE of that mattered. We were enthralled by this baby. His beautiful eyes, his shiny hair, his perfect skin and that little voice saying "a goo"!!!! It was magical. Dan and I both knew that we were head over heels for this boy.

The SW came back in, and my heart dropped. 5 years of trying to become a momma, and it had happened, in my heart I was this baby's mother and my time was up. It was going to take time to get paper work done and I was going to have to let him go, 30 min after meeting him. But the SW's face said something different. She had this smile on her face. She looked at us and asked if we would like to "baby sit" the baby for the foster parents (who were going out of town)! She said she had talked with our SW, the baby's lawyer and her supervisor, all of which okayed it! WHAT???? Take him with us. We don't have to let him go? We got into the jeep, and followed the foster mom to her house to pick up Ben's things, for the weekend visit. The first thing we said was that we should have listened to Dan's mom, and brought the other car! We packed Ben up in the jeep and when Dan started it up, the loud noise scared Ben! He stuck his little bottom lip out and I cried!!! It was so sad. But he got use to it and slept. I kept looking in the mirror at Dan, and our eyes would meet and we would just smile at each other. Was this for real? we kept asking ourselves. These things just don't happen like this! We knew who was making this all fall into place, it was our wonderful Lord! Only He could work it all out so perfect! During that drive, we chose to name him Ben. His birth name was Arrow, and his foster parents called him "Bob", but we chose Benjamin, and it was perfect!

We stopped at my moms house and Dan went off to a few appointments he had (we did not know we would get to bring that baby home!!) So I called family and friends and some came over to see him. I was scared. So much happened in such a short time. Was I going to remember everything the foster mom told me. Would I know his routine, would he be scared, would he like me? There he was, right there in my arms! It was so great.

Dan got done with work and we headed home. We were so excited, we had forgotten about dinner! So we stopped at Taco Bell and headed in to eat. And for the first time in my life, I was the one carrying a baby seat to the table, and people were oooohing and ahhhhing over MY baby!!! It was so great! About 30 min from home I needed to use the rest room. It was getting late and we were all tired, and happy!! Ben was doing great and seemed to be comfortable with us. We all went into the gas station store and Dan picked out a few snacks while I used the restroom. When we went up to pay the store clerk looked at Ben and asked about him. The clerk had a very thick middle eastern accent. We said he was 2 1/2 months old, and that we were wanting to adopt him. The man looked straight at me and said "you have problem?"(clearly meaning do I have fertility problems) I just stood there frozen...did he just ask me that? Wasn't that a little too personal for a gas station clerk to ask me? When I did not answer (because I was STUNNED) he looked at Dan and said "you? have problem?" Dan just smiled and said "YEP". We still laugh about that!! And every time we pass that gas station we both ask each other "you have problem?" LOL!!!! Ahhhhh memories!

We FINALLY arrived home with our little guy. Now remember this was JUNE 29th! SUMMER!! It was hot and being gone all day we did not leave the air on very low, but again we did not know that we would be bringing home a baby! So when we walked into the house it was HOT HOT HOT!!! It took awhile to cool the house, so we took off Ben's clothes and let him just be in a diaper! Here he is, just after getting him home!

I stayed up with him as long as I could. I put him down for a little bit, but only slept for awhile. When he woke up at 4 am for his bottle, I sat with him the rest of the morning, just me and my boy. So in love with him, I could not put him down!

The next morning was a doosy!!! Dan went over to his parents house to help his brother fix his truck and I was gonna get Ben ready, go to the store and buy a birthday present for our niece who turned two the day before (I remember getting her a can of olives with her gift, because she loved them!) and take him over to meet Dan's family. Well while we were getting ready to go, a..."situation" came up in the neighborhood and the police came and told me to stay inside the house, because our neighbor had barricaded himself in his house and that he had guns!!!! Well I was so freaked out!! I did not want ANYTHING to happen to have them change their minds about us having the baby. I called Dan and told him what was going on and that we would not be there when we thought. After a hour or so, I asked the police if I could leave. I packed Ben up and two policemen escorted me to the our car and watched while I drove out.

That was a CRAZY morning!!!

The weekend was so wonderful, the giving him back on Monday tore me apart. We got another weekend visit with him and then one week later he came to live with us.

June 29th. A special day. That was the day I became a momma! I love these memories!! And it is always fun to go down memory lane and revisit that magical, wonderful day that the Lord blessed us with Ben!

My Favorite part????

Today we had the "Coulter" clan over for a summer bbq! It was such a great day. I keep asking myself what my favorite part was.

Was it this morning, when the Ben and Hannah were playing around Dan and I as we set up the tables and smiled at each other when the kids would say something cute or do something funny? Or maybe was it sitting in our comfy lawn chairs in the shade and watching my family gather and catch up with each other? Maybe it was watching the cousins meet up and start to play, and this time, Ben and Hannah were old enough to keep up and play along with the big kids....(okay, no that is a depressing thing, my babies are growing up too fast). Maybe it was watching my wonderful husband help with the kids, bbq the yummy burgers (they were great by the way!), and walk by me and tell me that he loves me. Maybe it was sitting in the small summer breeze, eating lunch with the family, talking and laughing about old times and new adventures. Maybe watching my brothers dogs get to know each other. Or turning on the sprinkler and watching the kids run through it, hearing them laugh and giggle with excitement. Seeing Ben LOVE having older kids to play with and show his toys to (he could not wait to show the kids his stomp "wockets"), and Hannah do her own thing, in her own way. Maybe my favorite part was watching the kids take turns "whacking the Yata" (whacking the pinata, in Ben language), and seeing them standing there waiting to attack when the candy came flying out. Or seeing Ben and Hannah not really sure what to do, when the other kids started grabbing the candy off the ground. (it was the first time for a pinata for Ben and Hannah). They caught on fast though!! Maybe my favorite part was the hug I got from my grandma, with that little extra squeeze that let me know that she loves me and is praying for me. (she has been a blessing to me so much the last few months). Maybe it was when things were winding down and my sister in law brought in some of my old child hood toys, one of which was a baby doll, that Hannah claimed right off and then fell asleep holding! Maybe it was when everyone was gone and the kids and Dan were sleeping....and the house was quiet and peaceful, allowing me time to put the finishing touches on my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow and read some of my new book. Or maybe right now, with my two little ones waking up asking mama for some juice, and Hannah saying she is "hungee".
I still don't know what my favorite part is. But I am CERTAIN of this....

I

Am

Dinner? Circus? Dinner?

Last evening, making dinner felt like a circus! It became CRAZY!!!

The kids were restless for daddy to come home, because he had promised a trip to the park! So to get their minds off of waiting (which is so hard for a 3 and 2 year old to do) I asked if they wanted to help make dinner.
I filled a pot with water and set the steam tray on top and let each child pour in some veggies. Hannah went first and poured in some carrots. No problem there. Then Ben poured in some broccoli. As he started to pour, a piece of broccoli got on his finger and he freaked out!!! Remember this is my "clean" boy who does NOT like anything on his hands!!!. SO broccoli went flying everywhere! But that is okay, I did ask my 3 year old if he wanted to help and with that comes mess. So I cleaned up the mess and went to set the pot back onto the burner. I did not realize that when I pulled it off the burner to make it closer for the kids to reach, that the handle was still over the flame and as I grabbed it...well I burned my finger pretty bad. This is a normal occurrence in the kitchen even when the kids don't help!!!! LOL! After tending to my finger and re assuring Hannah that mama was okay, I moved onto getting the potatoes ready to bake. I took out some tater tots (by the way, the shape is cylinder!!!! and the kids and I had a little mini lesson right there in the kitchen!) and put them on the cookie sheet. Then I opened the potatoes bag and asked the kids to hand me the potatoes so I could wash and slice them for mom and dad to eat. They did so, and also started a little mini baseball (red potato) game in the kitchen.
After picking up the potatoes, I went back to slicing. Ben had lost interest by now and that just left me and my girl. So I set her up at the table and asked her to put the slices of potato on the cookie sheet.And she did. Not one at a time, but ONE BIG tower of potato slices. When I started to take it down she was upset and I had to take some time to explain that they could not cook that way!!! LOL. So into the oven the tater tots and potatoes went!! Then the stir fry noodles. I mixed up the sauce and put the noodles in the pan to start to cook, and I heard Ben say in a calm voice..."mom I need to go poo poo!!" So I said okay and started to turn and go to him, when his voice came back all high pitched and strained and he came running into the kitchen hopping and waving his hands saying "MOM I NEED TO GO POO POO"!!! He apparently waited to say something until "IT WAS TIME" so we RAN to the bathroom! We washed our hands and he came back with me to check on dinner. By now I had forgotten how long to do the noodles and when I went to check the package, the package was missing. This is when I realized a few things were missing. A spoon I was using, a fork, my drinking cup. But just as I started my search for these things, Hannah announced that she had to go "potty"!!! SO back to the bathroom we went and I prayed that nothing would burn before I could get back to it. After the bathroom and the washing of hands, I got back to the dinner that was on the verge of burning. I added the now steamed veggies to the noodles and let that start to simmer a little and checked the potatoes. I did not continue my search for the missing items, and just got some new ones and finished up dinner. I told the kids to get in their chairs and Hannah made sure I knew she wanted "dippy" with her tater tots! I served up their plates, and they were quiet and eating. I washed my hands and used a paper towel to dry them off and as I walked over to throw it away I found my missing items!!!! IN THE TRASH!!! My fork, spoon, cup AND the bag of red potatoes!!!! I asked Hannah why she put them in the trash and she said "help mama teen up"! I told her thank you.
What a crazy night, but everyone got dinner in the end, and nothing burned (except my finger!!!) LOL!

My BIGGEST dream...my worst enemy!

It is no secret that I have "female" problems! I have since I was a teen. There has never really been a time where I was "NORMAL" in this area. I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) a while ago!! And let me tell you, IT...IS...PAINFUL! There is nothing easy about my cycles. I am in the middle of some "pain" right now. I have an apt to go to the doctor tomorrow, since it is hurting so bad.
I have a hard time with bouncing back and forth. Sometimes, having these cysts come up and hurt so bad, makes me want to have them just "take it all out!!" and then I remember, that the reproductive part of me, may be my worst enemy, but it is the only way for my "biggest dream" to come true. Can you hate and love a part of yourself at the same time??????? I am venting and little bit. But it just can get so old. I am so tired of hurting. The physical pain can sure wear ya down.
I keep telling myself that I need all those parts to have a baby, but year after year after year of cysts that seem to get bigger and worse as I get older, it just feels like a big contradiction. I love it, I hate it.
This is one of those things that I "can't" change. This is what I have. My right ovary develops cysts. I can't stop it. And so I guess at times like this, when it hurts and I am ready to lose my mind, it is hard to know that there are still years of this ahead of me.

Adoption and the LITTLE things!

Today, the kids and I were doing our normal routine. Outside time and checking the mailbox. The kids were excited to get the "Curious George Goes to the Doctor" movie from netflix. We all walked out to the mail box, well Ben "ran" and Hannah asked me to carry her because "bubba too fast". She is so little and gets frustrated that she can't keep up with him when he is running. We got out to the box and I reached in getting the pile of mail, half of which I knew would go right into the trash....junk mail. We walked back to the yard and the kids busied themselves with playing while I set the mail down and began to read my book, not bothering to go through the pile of mail.

Hannah, as usual, started to climb up on the riding lawn mower, and just as I said "sissy stay off the tracker" (she calls it a tracker) her little foot slipped and she landed right on the guard. She let out a scream and my book went right on the ground as I dashed across the yard to check her. If you know Hannah she is a tough little girl and if she screams or cries, then she must be pretty hurt. She was still laying there, not trying to get up when I made it to her and I was so scared that there was going to be something really bad wrong when I lifted her up. THANKFULLY she was just scared out of her mind and frozen with fear. She sat with me and cried a little until she knew she was okay. I checked her over and was grateful for no big goose eggs or bruises. She already has a bad bruise on her for head from running with her blanket over her face down the hall and her loving brother pushing her into the corner of the wall, on Monday morning! My mind went back to when we would have weekly visits from the social worker and how that every time Hannah fell, I would worry what the social workers would think. We have not had a social worker come for over a year now, but my mind still went back to that time. And I was grateful to be free of "the system".

Hannah hopped off my lap and ran to play. I bent over to get my book and saw the pile of mail and grabbed it to look through it. I flipped through and stopped when I saw a envelope address to Dan and I from the child protective offices, that we received Ben and Hannah from. WHAT??? I had just thought about that not seconds before. So I opened it, not sure what I would find. There was a little hospital baby bracelet and the pink "I'm A Girl" card from the hospital with my little girls information on it!!! I was so excited!!!! The little things like that, from the birth of my children mean so much to me! ANY LITTLE part of those days mean the world to me. I am so thankful that their social worker, who found them, was sweet enough to make sure we got them!

It is so wonderful to receive these things, and also a little bitter sweet. I will always feel the sadness of missing the birth of my kids. Because I am 100 % their mom, just like any other mama who gave birth, I just was not there, when they were born. But things like the bracelet and the "I'm A Girl" card help so much. Like when I called the hospital and told them the situation and they gave me the pass word to get their birth pictures! Those little things seem so big to me!!

It may sound weird, but I am thankful for my infertility. I am thankful because without infertility, we would not have these wonderful souls here with us. These two beautiful babies who fill our lives with joy and bless each of our days. There will always be the sad parts, but the blessings are so So SO much more than then the bad. God sure knew what He was doing and He KNEW we needed BENJAMIN and HANNAH!

So today I am cherishing this little surprise gift in the mail.

GOD IS SO GOOD, GOD IS SO GOOD, GOD IS SO GOOD, HE'S SO GOOD TO ME!

Pearls Of Wisdom

In my quest to "improve" I have been trying to be more hospitable. So I have planned two things for June, having my family over for a bbq, and hosting a Ladies Tea. I am excited about doing these things. So I have been working on getting things ready and together for the Ladies Tea! The theme is "The Titus Two Tea" and based on Titus chapter two where we are told that the older women are suppose to teach the younger women. I have been in prayer and study for the devotional part I want to bring. And part of the devotional is about the pearls of wisdom we receive from older, wiser women as we live our lives. This has made me think of so many women who have taken the time to "give me a pearl" here and there. In my devotional there is a part about a dear sweet older sister who gave me one of the greatest pearls of wisdom ever. It was something that stuck with me and helped me choose who I would marry!I was at that point in my life where I wanted to meet someone and get married, and I was afraid of becoming an "old maid". She told me that God would send me the right man. She told me "Rebekah! don't only be thinking of yourself when you are looking for a husband. You are not only choosing your mate, but you are also choosing a daddy for your children!!" WOW! That hit me hard. At that time, the thought of children and how my decisions would affect them had not entered the equation! But it was so true! I wanted kids, and who I chose to marry would be their daddy! And I for sure wanted a good daddy for my kids! (and now I have the best daddy for my kids! Dan is so wonderful and I could not ask for a better father to my children). This pearl of wisdom made such an impact on me.

Yesterday, my mom told me that this dear sister had passed away. I can still see her, with her silver hair all made up on her head, and her little feisty attitude looking at me and telling me, "I told ya!" She said that on our wedding video...she looked into the camera and said " I Told YA!!! Didn't I, so there!" I can see her face, and how she would start to giggle and it seemed to move down from her shoulders to her belly, just giggling away! Then when I could not have children, she was constant in faith that the Lord would provide! AND HE DID! She was so proud to see Ben and Hannah! I remember walking into the church building, with Ben in my arms, and she was one of the first ones, standing right there at the door waiting to meet my little boy! How special she always made me feel!

I know she is so happy to be home with the Lord and her dear husband. And I know she is where she wants to be. Right now there is this overwhelming feeling of thankfulness, that she cared enough and took the time to share with me her wisdom. What a great example to me! I had not seen her for awhile, but her life made a big impact on mine and I hope someday others will be able to say the same about me. Boy do I have A LOT to improve on to even come close!
I was so blessed to have a "Sis. Booth" in my life, and there are so many others still with me here, that I take for granted.