"Look at My Baby I Just Got"

While we were going through classes for adopting, I remember one lesson about how that your children may not be "talking" about being adopted, but often they are "thinking" about it. It was a lesson for the parents to be aware that even if they don't talk about it, they are thinking about it and trying to figure it out. I have the kids books I read to them, and if it comes up I talk about their adoptions and try to teach them the vocabulary they need to know. But other than that, it is not talked about A LOT.

The kids are growing and they are understanding SO much! I have tried to make sure I explain the best I can about how they were born and how God decided to create our family. B and H are both getting bigger and starting to show that they understand more and more about how they were adopted. H showed me she is "thinking" about it more than I knew.

Yesterday she walked up to me with her baby doll cradled in her arms and said to me (all excited) "look at my baby I just got! she grew in another woman's tummy, but I am her mama!"

It is neat to see when they act out the things they are learning and showing that they understand. She was so excited about her baby! I responded to her "so you adopted your baby?" to which she replied with a smile "yep" and left back to her room to play.

I am praying that these first lessons about adoption and how great we think it is, will stick with them for always. Hoping to create lines of communication that will be open and welcoming for them to share!

My Piano

I am a piano player. Not the greatest for sure! But still, I can pretty much hold my own. I taught piano for 13 years. I absolutely LOVE teaching piano! I have not taught in four years, as my life has been changed by three wonderful little lives that I now spend everyday caring for. I love my job now! Would not change things!
But tonight, with the kids in bed and Dan watching something on the sports channel, I was sitting in the living room trying to make sure I am remembering everything I need to get done before we leave on our trip. I suddenly had the strongest urge to play my piano. Just to sit down and play whatever I want. To get that break from time and to do lists and relax with music! Since the kids have entered the home, my play time went from everyday to only when I play for church. This is how it should be. They will get older and I will slowly get my time back to play. But tonight, I wondered how it could be that I so BADLY want to play MY piano. Not the churches piano, but MINE! The one I learned on, I taught on! The one in my bedroom sitting there looking so beautiful and inviting! It was a gift from my Aunt Gail. It made me feel so special when she gave it to me! Something so important, and she gave it to me! It is weird, but it is like I have a relationship with that piano. I have spent So much time with it. It is like an old friend. One that lets me get my feelings out, and always makes me feel better after I have had some alone time to play.
It is amazing how playing my piano can uplift me and feed my soul. Playing a song about my Savior and His love for me, or a child's lullaby that reminds me of little ones, or a fast and fun tune that makes me smile! I am longing for that right now. Wanting an empty room with just me and my piano! I am so grateful that my parents gave me piano lessons! As a parent now, I see just how much they put into making those lessons happen. The money, the time to take me each week, and the pain they must have endured while I practiced!!! I am So glad they gave me the gift of music. This gift of theirs just keeps on giving. I can sit and play and be encouraged and release stress, just by playing music. Music is a powerful thing! I am looking forward to teaching my children how to play. And I am looking forward to more time with my piano, as my children get bigger!
For now, I will have to be patient and wait.

Mixed emotions!

It's a mix of emotions. I can't say how this is for other mothers who have adopted from the foster care system, but I know how it is for me. It is hard to describe. Adopting has been lots of things to me. Amazing, life changing, frustrating, uncomfortable, faith building, overwhelming, precious, beautiful and rewarding. It is filled with days where emotions are all mixed into one. Sadness mixed with elation, all jumbled up.

I had one of those days this week. A call from the state adoptions worker, to get information and set the date to sign adoption placement papers! Sounds pretty exciting, and IT IS! Getting SO SO close to the end of this third adoption, and I am over the moon with being excited about it!

And then the worker stated that she had my little girls birth records! Yep I have had my baby for over a year now and had NO idea how tall she was at birth. NO idea what her apgar scores were. No idea if she was early or late. It is almost like my children REALLY were dropped off by the stork!

The best and most beautiful gift!!! But no information. At least not until the adoption is final and even then, it can be limited. Kinda like at my son's Karate this last week, the moms were ALL sharing their pregnancy stories. How big each of their children were at birth...I only knew that information about 2 of my babies. Then they started talking about labor, and how much baby weight they gained and C-sections and on and on. I am not saying that I am devastated by these things. This is how our family was made and it is beautiful! But these moments of sadness are there. So as the worker started reading me the info over the phone, the "mama" heart in me broke a little. I was not there. I did not hear her first cry, I was not there when they had to do a C- section because of fetal distress. I was not there to feed her, dress her, hold her and cuddle her.

I can hear all that you are thinking right now. I have heard it all. "well you have her now", " that is the way the Lord used to get her to you", "you are there to feed her, hold her and love her now" etc. And you know, I AGREE with all of these statements! They are true and I believe each statement!

BUT... I am still a human and a mother. Sometimes I find, while reading other adoptive parents writings, that it is all beauty and perfect. I am thankful for my babies and would NOT change a thing (except maybe the system...but that is a whole OTHER post), but I feel that the other part, that sadness is not always shown. And for those who have never adopted, it can be a bit deceiving.

It was almost surreal, as I heard the most basic information about my youngest baby. But it was also hard to hear. Hearing about the home she was living in, the chemicals she was exposed to, and the months she was facing at birth in the home she was taken to, overwhelmed my mind and heart and I was sad. I was sad because I am her mommy and I was NOT THERE.

Not every adoption is a open adoption where both families are there, supporting each other and working for the best of the child. All three of our adoptions have been beautiful, but in a different way. In the sense that God created our family, and put us together one piece at a time it is AMAZING!

There is the painful side of adoption.It is not just one day you are sad and that is it. The process is full of different times and issues that come up, and you have to work through it. The times when there is sadness, or anger, or frustration for what your baby had to go through and what you missed with them. And I think it is important to point out that you can have these emotions while still knowing that you have them now, and they are safe and things are different for the future. I have found that I HAVE to allow myself to feel the sad, the mad, the frustration. God gave me these emotions! It is my responsibility to control them, but I have come to learn that I WILL have them. (And as I see it. I think it will be good as my children get older and start to have their own different emotions about their adoptions, that they can see an example in me, on how to still feel the way they feel, and be able to work through it. )

Any OTHER mother would be completely understood to feel the same way if they found out someone had harmed, neglected or abused their precious baby.

And so this week, I am a big mixed up bunch of emotions. Happy, sad, disappointed and AMAZED and excited. This is to me the TRUE picture of adoption.