Mixed emotions!

It's a mix of emotions. I can't say how this is for other mothers who have adopted from the foster care system, but I know how it is for me. It is hard to describe. Adopting has been lots of things to me. Amazing, life changing, frustrating, uncomfortable, faith building, overwhelming, precious, beautiful and rewarding. It is filled with days where emotions are all mixed into one. Sadness mixed with elation, all jumbled up.

I had one of those days this week. A call from the state adoptions worker, to get information and set the date to sign adoption placement papers! Sounds pretty exciting, and IT IS! Getting SO SO close to the end of this third adoption, and I am over the moon with being excited about it!

And then the worker stated that she had my little girls birth records! Yep I have had my baby for over a year now and had NO idea how tall she was at birth. NO idea what her apgar scores were. No idea if she was early or late. It is almost like my children REALLY were dropped off by the stork!

The best and most beautiful gift!!! But no information. At least not until the adoption is final and even then, it can be limited. Kinda like at my son's Karate this last week, the moms were ALL sharing their pregnancy stories. How big each of their children were at birth...I only knew that information about 2 of my babies. Then they started talking about labor, and how much baby weight they gained and C-sections and on and on. I am not saying that I am devastated by these things. This is how our family was made and it is beautiful! But these moments of sadness are there. So as the worker started reading me the info over the phone, the "mama" heart in me broke a little. I was not there. I did not hear her first cry, I was not there when they had to do a C- section because of fetal distress. I was not there to feed her, dress her, hold her and cuddle her.

I can hear all that you are thinking right now. I have heard it all. "well you have her now", " that is the way the Lord used to get her to you", "you are there to feed her, hold her and love her now" etc. And you know, I AGREE with all of these statements! They are true and I believe each statement!

BUT... I am still a human and a mother. Sometimes I find, while reading other adoptive parents writings, that it is all beauty and perfect. I am thankful for my babies and would NOT change a thing (except maybe the system...but that is a whole OTHER post), but I feel that the other part, that sadness is not always shown. And for those who have never adopted, it can be a bit deceiving.

It was almost surreal, as I heard the most basic information about my youngest baby. But it was also hard to hear. Hearing about the home she was living in, the chemicals she was exposed to, and the months she was facing at birth in the home she was taken to, overwhelmed my mind and heart and I was sad. I was sad because I am her mommy and I was NOT THERE.

Not every adoption is a open adoption where both families are there, supporting each other and working for the best of the child. All three of our adoptions have been beautiful, but in a different way. In the sense that God created our family, and put us together one piece at a time it is AMAZING!

There is the painful side of adoption.It is not just one day you are sad and that is it. The process is full of different times and issues that come up, and you have to work through it. The times when there is sadness, or anger, or frustration for what your baby had to go through and what you missed with them. And I think it is important to point out that you can have these emotions while still knowing that you have them now, and they are safe and things are different for the future. I have found that I HAVE to allow myself to feel the sad, the mad, the frustration. God gave me these emotions! It is my responsibility to control them, but I have come to learn that I WILL have them. (And as I see it. I think it will be good as my children get older and start to have their own different emotions about their adoptions, that they can see an example in me, on how to still feel the way they feel, and be able to work through it. )

Any OTHER mother would be completely understood to feel the same way if they found out someone had harmed, neglected or abused their precious baby.

And so this week, I am a big mixed up bunch of emotions. Happy, sad, disappointed and AMAZED and excited. This is to me the TRUE picture of adoption.