Caught Off Guard

I was caught off guard by my little four year old daughter. I have worked at trying to make sure I have a answer for my kids whenever a question about where they came from comes up. I *thought* I had covered all my basis. I did not expect my little girl to surprise me with a question that left me speechless. Ben and Hannah have been asking LOTS of questions about being adopted. Ruthie's adoption has brought these kinds of questions, and the fact that their Aunt is expecting. We can see that they are trying to figure it out and wanting answers to their questions. The three of us were in the pool swimming while Ruthie was still inside with Dad. Ben said something about growing inside my tummy. Nice and relaxed I said "bud, did you really grow in mommy's tummy?" to which Hannah piped up and said "NO we grew in another woman's tummy". I told her she was right. Ben asked me "who was she?" So I told him that he grew in S's tummy and that H grew in J's tummy, and then after they were born God sent them to live with mommy and daddy. Normally this is where it would end, but with Auntie B expecting a baby, Ben said "but auntie B is going to keep her baby". I said yes she was and that God uses different ways to make families. Some stay with the woman who gives birth to them and some get adopted. Hannah said "I got adopted!" I said yes you did. Hannah asked, "why we not stay with that lady". I told them what we have always said, that they took bad drugs that made them sick and they could not take care of a baby, so God sent them to us. They both were quiet and I was glad for the conversation to be done... as I am always concerned about "saying the right thing". But SO happy they feel like they can ask me all about it. And then my baby asked me something that took my breath away. Hannah said "did J give me bad drugs too?"

This caught me off guard! I did not speak... I had a million things going through my mind, and I hoped that she would get distracted. Just the very thought of my little baby having drugs put through her tiny system over and over causes lots of anger and hurt inside me. But she was determined and focused and asked again, "did J give me bad drugs too?" I knew I had to answer her, and honestly. Dan was not there to ask him to answer for me. I was the one she asked. And so I answered the best I knew how. I told her that while she was in J's tummy some of the drugs got to her, but that God's hand protected her from them, and kept her healthy. She accepted the answer and went on to play in the pool as if nothing happened. But mom's heart was breaking a little.

It is hard to know that I can't change it for them. That they will have to face, at some point, that drugs were more important to their birth parents than they were. I believe that they deserve the truth, at age appropriate times. But this is their story, and my job is not to hide it, or cover it up, but to help them accept it and deal with it and be able to have a wonderful healthy life despite their beginnings.

But it hurts. As their mama, I am ready to fight anyone who treats them wrong in any way shape or form. It hurts to know that someone did. This is just one of those times, where it comes back and it hurts to think of what they went through, and how they were treated. Because they are my babies, and they are so precious to me.

I want to be confident and positive with my answers to them. But like the other day, although the question was answered and she was satisfied with it, I know there will be more questions in the future and in this mama's heart I wish I could protect them from the answers.

Adopting... NOT for the faint of heart!