The Father Of My Children

This Father's Day was neat! Ben and Hannah are old enough to start to say what they want to get for daddy, AND it was Dan's first Father's day with THREE children! Pretty awesome!! So about a month ago, I asked the kids what they wanted to get daddy for Father's day. Ben piped up "I think Daddy needs a TROPHY!!!!" It was the perfect idea from his little four year old mind. Yep, their daddy deserves a trophy! Cause he is so awesome at his job as a daddy! So we marched into the trophy shop and I let each on pick out a trophy for dad!

Ben chose the spinning hockey puck with a man who he thought looked like Superman flying, holding a donut! Hannah chose the Baseball that you can play with and move around! And Ruth was the classic cup! I decided to have them engraved with sayings that the kids day to Dan. Ben's said "I WUB YOU TOO DAD". Hannah's- "YOU'RE MY BEST DADDY". And Ruth's was the simple "DA" since that is what she calls him! They were so excited and of course daddy heard about the trophies he was getting LONG before Father's day, but that made it fun too!

I got Dan a play station game and am taking him to see an A's game in a couple weeks, but I know Dan. And although I know he loves the gifts I gave him, his FAVORITE gifts were those trophies. He took them to work and they now live on his desk, sitting there, reminding him through the day of the kids who adore him at home.

When I was a teen, a sweet older woman of the church told me, that when I chose my mate, not to be selfish, and to consider that he would be the father of my children. She told me to choose a good daddy for my babies! In this, I chose well! He is the best dad I could ever ask to have for my children! OUR children. He surprises me all the time with how loving and involved he wants to be, and how helpful he is to me.

So good choice Ben! You had the best idea to get your dad trophies! He deserves them for sure!

The little BIG things!

Yesterday, as I wrote in my post, was a tough day. A day of disappointment. Those days come and those days go. The GREAT thing about yesterday, was that I said prayer to my Heavenly Father. I prayed that He would encourage my heart and lift my spirits. AND HE DID!!! He sure knows what He is doing! I am excited to share just how wonderful God is and how BIG He can make the "little things".

Last Christmas Eve we got a new DAUGHTER!! My WHOLE life I will LOVE telling her Christmas story. Anyway, I told my husband that my necklace just would not work anymore and that I would need a new one. (here is the necklace he got me when we adopted our first two kiddos)

Loved the two hands that represented my two kids. But with the addition of our second daughter, I knew I needed a new one. So for part of my Christmas gift my husband said to find a necklace I liked that represented my kids and get it. I looked and looked and found LOTS of pretty necklaces...but it took me until last week to find what I wanted and at the right price. I wanted something that could represent ALL my children. I found it on ETSY at a shop called Hannah Design- (byhannahdesign.etsy.com ) I fell in love with her jewelry and her prices and after choosing her noticed her name! It was meant to be! I made my custom order and in less than a week it arrived! It arrived in the mail just a few hours after taking that pregnancy test that once again was negative. Just a few hours after praying and asking for help to lift my spirits. It was like He knew I would need this necklace on THAT day at THAT time! His own little warm hug sent to me! Here is my NEW necklace.

My disc with "benjamin" and a pearl. My flower with "hannah" and a pearl. My flower with "sprout" and a heart and my flower with "ruth" and a pearl. I LOVE IT!

You might be asking why I would include sprout. I included sprout, because she was a real living child of mine. She now lives in heaven, which is why I chose to get the heart. Because that is where I keep her memory, is in my heart. And to me it is not a sad thing at all. When I thought about it, leaving sprout out would have been the sad thing to me. It is my strong belief that if we would treat these little lives like they were and are just as important as any other human life, then maybe they would not be so easily forgotten in our society. And this is my little way of showing that I believe that life is precious and begins at conception and will joyfully celebrate the little life that was sent to us.

And so as I opened the package with the little box, and saw the pink satin little bag that held my necklace, my spirit was lifted. I put my necklace on and could not help but smile. With the names of my children around my neck, the day was no longer "negative" like that pregnancy test. What a BIG thing this "little" necklace of mine is! It is perfect for me and I will wear it with joy and pride! God is good ALL THE TIME!

NEGATIVE

Today, is a tough one. Lots of things going on in my life. A four year old, learning reading and writing, and talking NON stop about rockets and aliens. A three yr old trying to keep up with her brother with reading and writing, while at the same time trying EVERY dangerous stunt she can think of. And in the middle of adopting a precious little one yr old angel who needs constant love, attention and consistency. I know this sounds like a lot. And it is. My plate is full.

But this week, as my cycle is late, and I am having surges of hormones and signs that can either mean cycle or pregnancy, I found myself hoping and praying for one more HUGE MAJOR miracle to drop on my plate. Really is this fair? The mental torture of wondering. Of hoping. And the logical part, the part that tells me that if I have only had 1 pregnancy in the 12 years I have been married, the odds are I will not be getting pregnant again, flies out the window and my femaleness takes over. The desire to have a baby. To feel a baby inside me, to give birth, to hear the first cry...to be the ONLY mommy. There is NO stopping it. Well, ok, maybe there is a way, but I have NOT found it. You would think that after ALL these years and after ALL that the doctors have sat and told me, I would be at a place where I knew it was just not gonna happen. I was there at one point. UNTIL THE IMPOSSIBLE happened and I found myself in 2008 pregnant. Ever since then, my brain keeps going back to that and telling my heart, "it has happened before, it can happen again".

What makes it so much worse is when I am late. When I start to have "signs" that it just might be! That has been this last week for me. Finally I decided to stop the wondering and the talking back and forth with myself and take a test. I HATE TAKING THOSE STUPID TESTS!!! Simply because 99.9% of the time I have EVER taken them, they are a disappointment. I took the test, praying for this...

It amazes me how fast the female mind can go from "I wonder if..." to figuring out due dates and thinking of names and colors and car seats and little booties! Especially when it is such a dream to have a baby. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to not ride this roller coaster. And so I waited and waited only to do what I have done so MANY times before...I saw this...

YEP! "not pregnant" That's me! The one thing that can describe me for my entire life (except those awesome two months in 08) is "NOT PREGNANT". And that is ok. But on the days when you see it right in front of you, it is tough to swallow AGAIN. And the whole..."maybe I did not wait long enough", and going and checking again. It is hard for me to imagine that people all around me out there can just decide to "get pregnant" and TA-DA they are! I know that is the norm, but man it is so hard for me to fathom.

I am so happy with the three wonderful children I have! I am excited to meet my little one in heaven someday. It is awesome to see my children play and grow and call me mama. I would not trade anything! I am so grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I do not "deserve" any of them and I don't feel like it is "owed" me to be able to have a baby. But, God did give woman the desire to have babies, and I for sure still have the desire.

So for now, I will have a couple of "down days" and a week with crazy hormones and painful cycle. And I know I will get back up to being more positive. I will take the kids to the park and immerse myself in how great my kids are, and I will slowly forget about the "not pregnant" reminder I received yet again this morning.

I'm a "SUPERSTAR"!!!!!

I may not be an "A" lister actress, or a superstar singer, or a famous reality TV star...BUT in this house I feel like A SUPERSTAR!

Yes, in all the cool ways! I love how my kids think I can "fix anything" or "make anything" or "make everything better". I love the attention with all the hugs and kisses and little voices calling for me! It makes my life so spectacular and I am soaking in every minute of it!!! It is an awesome feeling to mean so much to these three little blessings!

On the FLIP side. Some days it feels like these little ones are like the mini "paparazzi" squad!!!! I can't eat, sleep, get dressed, shower, use the restroom, do my hair, cook, clean or just sit, without THEM!!! All that is missing are little cameras in their hands!!! LOL! It is hard to remember when I would go to the bathroom without the door flying open and a little one's head popping in to "find mama". This house in my own little personal Hollywood! I get NO privacy and they LOVE me to death!

Yes, at times it gets old and a little much to handle, but most of the time, I soak it in. Knowing they are growing fast and soon they will be three high schoolers who don't have that "need" to know where mama is all the time. They will be spreading their wings and leaving the nest at some point. And then it will feel lonely.

So for now, I will gladly be the "A" lister in my house. The one that everyone wants all at the same time!! At this time in my life, I am loving the fact that my family, "just can't get enough of me!" :)

Am I fit to be a parent?

Today we are getting interviewed by state adoptions. We have done this before...but I am still a bit nervous. You feel like you are under a microscope and it is not an "everyday" thing to get interviewed to see if you are suitable to adopt and parent a child. This is just the first step. They will interview us together, then one at a time then interview our children and inspect the house. It is all necessary! I am not opposed to it. What I AM opposed to is that it does NOT go both ways! I mean REALLY! After say 3, 4, 5, 6, 7!!! children that you abuse and lose, you'd THINK they would make THEM go through this process BEFORE being able to produce, abuse and lose MORE INNOCENT children! (can you tell I am a little "fed up" with the system...sorry)

Anyway, today marks the start of the "adoption" part of this process for us. At least on our end. It will take a lot of time and paper work before the we are in front of a judge and signing the papers, but today we take step ONE!

And so yes, the FRANTIC cleaning and planning when to put the kids down for nap has happened and I "think" I am ready ;) With these visits, I am constantly trying to "make up for lost time". Can't wait for when I can be home with my kids with a schedule and be able to keep up with the house and meals! I miss being home with my kids!

Rambling. Better go finish the kitchen and then I think we are ready to see if we are fit to be parents!

LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!

My boy had his birthday last month. And I "knew" he was four years old, but it HIT me yesterday. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

I took him in for his four year check up. Everything was different. When we got to the room, the nurse took him out in the hall (without mama *sniff sniff*) to weigh and measure him. I have always gone and put them on the scale! Then time for the eye test. This was new, and my boy sat up on the table on his own and answered the nurses questions. Only needing mama to help out in the end and keep him on task. Then back to mama's lap (WHERE HE BELONGS) to get his finger pricked for the iron test. He then went back to my little boy Ben who needed his mama to make it all better. The doctor came in and checked him out from head to toe. He is 95% for his height and weight! He barley fit on my lap for the exam. (but mama was so glad he chose my lap when the doctor game him the choice of the table or me!) As I sat there with my boy, I felt tears coming into my eyes. He was OLD. He was not a baby, not even a toddler. He is now, a Full Fledged KID! Then the doctor started talking about kindergarten. Now he will not start until he is 5, but as far as the shots he needs, she said he could get some done that day if we wanted. We decided two shots that day and then that will only leave two more for him before he starts school. GULP...STARTS SCHOOL! WHAT!!!????? NO WAY!

In my mind Ben is this...

My happy, sweet BABY

I miss those BIG CHEEKS

Those cute hats!

I miss THIS!

And now we are talking about school, and riding bikes. He has grown into a handsome young boy, who has my heart. He is a smart kid, who makes me laugh, and teaches me patience everyday. His tender heart amazes me and I am proud of who he is!

But it scares me to death! I know how to be a mama to babies, and toddlers. I am NOT READY for this "Big Kid".

I want my baby boy back. The one who says he "needs mama".

Cause mama sure needs him!

At the end of the doctors visit, they did a hearing test. He sat up on the table with those "big kid" head phones on and I looked at my boy. (I was sooo excited when he said "mama will you stand beside me?") I still see my chubby little baby, but I know he is growing up, and my heart is aching, I am not ready. But as they say, "READY OR NOT" and I know that I will survive. I love watching Ben grow and am happy to see how happy he is.

But for THIS mama, when I think of my boy, THIS is what I see.

HELLO!!!!!!

The other day I heard a short little conversation between my two oldest that hit me and got my attention. It was one of those conversations that took 20 seconds to say, but taught me SO much! I was in the kitchen finishing up dinner (I was nervous about this dinner, because it was one of those, "make something out of what is in the cupboards", nights and with THIS cook that can be disastrous) The kids were getting into their high chairs and chattering away while they did. That is when I heard Hannah ask her brother "why we have a new baby?" (Hannah is in the question stage, as you can tell from this post) Ben answered her quick and with thick "HELLO!!" sarcasm..."cuz God sent her to us"!!! It sounded like there should have been a "duh" at the end of it. It was not mean, but said in a way that he was only stating the obvious and that she should know that the answer is PLAIN and SIMPLE! "God sent her to us" The end. And the best part of the conversation was Hannah's answer to Ben. "oh, otay"

Oh how I wish I could be that strong in my faith all the time. To keep it Plain and Simple. To know that God has a plan, He is in control, and it is not for me to question His actions. And if I do ever question "why" something has happened, or "why" things are the way they are, I should be as swift to accept the answer as my little girl was, "oh otay"! There is NO worry when I know that God is the one who holds my present and my future.

These lessons from my little ones, are the best! They stick with me and humble me. Oh to have the faith of a little child.